Friday, May 9, 2014

What a difference a year makes

Today I am 27w1d. And depending on who you talk to, I may or may not already be in my third trimester. Wait, what? How did that happen? This pregnancy is flying by AND dragging all at the same time. I can't wait until fourth trimester, if you know what I mean. ;-)

Here's yesterday's bump pic:


I'm spending some time reflecting a little this morning about what a difference a year can make. Particularly because I've had a few friends give birth to their May babies over the past couple of weeks. Baby births have always been bittersweet for me, but really if I might be honest, mostly bitter. I'd hear or read of a birth announcement or learn that so-and-so is in labor, and I'd go through a rollercoaster of emotions in a split second: The punch in the gut, the excitement, the pain, the sadness, the heartbreak, the thrill, the joy, the anger, then the guilt. Yeah. Then that would repeat over and over for about a week until finally I just accepted I was yet again the one left behind.

But now, birth announcements are just full of real joy and excitement. And dear God, am I grateful to be able to experience only that reaction once again. I can't begin to tell you how happy this realization makes me and how I honestly never thought I'd feel this way again.

There is still a part of me that remembers that I had a May 2014 baby on it's way at one point, but he/she was too beautiful for earth and I'll meet him/her in heaven someday. But I smile each time I think of these beautiful earth babies who were so prayed for and are so loved. And I smile knowing my earth baby will be here in just 80 days.

May and Mother's day have been awful for me ever since 2011. On top of struggling with infertility and loss, my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer Mother's Day weekend that year, and she died a few months later. Mother's day has always been a big, fat reminder of all of that. And while I'll never forget the pain, the ordeal that mother's day usually brings is softened. I miss my mom greatly and I shed tears thinking about how she's not here with me. But, I also know that she's doing so much for us on the other side. In fact, I think she knows Sammy already. She gets to hold her hand now, even before we do. She promised me on her death bed she would "pull some strings in heaven" for us to finally become parents. And she has. So I have no doubt she's present in spirit and making good on her promise. 


And to all of the ladies who currently hold their future babies only in their hearts, I celebrate your incredible Mother Heart with you. Your hard work, tears, and dedication to giving your future babies life and love is beautiful. Thinking of each of you this weekend and sending my love.




13 comments:

  1. Beautiful post! And congrats on making it to your 3rd trimester! I can tell you from my own experience that you do become impatient ;) I am at 38 weeks tomorrow, and I can hardly stand it! No sign of my boy coming yet, but I'm getting impatient ;) I just want him here! And after going through very similar heartaches as you, every day it becomes harder and harder waiting! I remember feeling the feelings you mentioned before getting pregnant, and especially after we lost our 1st baby. I try to make it a point to let all mothers of babies in heaven that they are mothers. They held that lovely little person for a short while, but the love never goes away! I pray special blessings over all of those mothers. I also love hearing about how things are going with your pregnancy. You are a beautiful mama and I wish you only the best!

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    1. I hope that your little boy shows himself soon and you get to experience the joy of meeting him. Congratulations on his upcoming arrival. You are a beautiful mama too and I wish YOU the very best as well. Thanks for commenting. :)

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  2. Lovely! And you look beautiful!

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  3. Lovely post, Liz! You look so happy. Congrats on making it to a new milestone.

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  4. You look so healthy and beautiful! I'm so excited for you to hold that beautiful baby girl in your arms! Happy Mothers day!

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  5. you look amazing! Pregnancy really suits you!

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  6. Thinking about you especially this Mother's day. So much going on for you (I'd guess) as you navigate this day... missing your mom while expecting yourself. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you. :) So far I'm doing okay. Just thinking of the suffering so many else are enduring today and that makes me sad. Sending love to all of them too.

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  7. I found your blog through the people article. I applaud you for wanting to be a mother whichever way was made possible to you. She's beautiful. So sorry for your mother's loss. I lost mine in 2004 to pancreatic cancer and miss her every day more and more. Best to you, hubby and Sammy.

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