When you fight so long to become a mother, much of the time you end up shielding yourself from the realization that the end of this path means actually taking a precious little newborn home from the hospital with you. I never let myself really think about those details because I was too afraid it would never happen and the letdown would hurt way too much. I thought about it in general terms and continued to fight.
Now I'm starting to let myself realize the tangible details around bringing Sammy home with us. Please, don't get me wrong, I am beyond comprehension excited and happy. There's no other way to describe that part of it. But a new emotion is starting to be added to the bucket of elated emotions.
I'm a little scared.
I'm scared I might not do the right things, or that I might make mistakes. Will I be the kind of mother I hope to be? I am going to do the very best that I can. I know it's normal and I don't expect to be perfect, but I also know that this perfect little girl who we have prayed so hard for, well...she won't come with an instruction manual.
This emotion has brought with it the frequent reminder that my mom is no longer here. Big time. That makes me sad. Growing up, I always pictured calling her with questions when my baby got sick, was teething, for product recommendations, or pretty much when I was all-around clueless. I feel like I would be much less lost if she were here. My dad is still here, but it's definitely not the same. I miss her and feel that emptiness amplified lately. I think about the excitement she would be having for each pregnancy milestone. I think about what it would be like to call her to tell her I'm in labor. I think about sending her baby pictures and telling her about the latest cute thing that Sammy did. My brothers and their wives each got to experience those things with her on this earth, but we didn't because infertility had different plans for us. I really hate that. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit jealous when I see families that actually have grandmas playing at the park or adult mothers and daughters spending time together. I'd better stop before the tears really start flowing.
I know I can do this, even with her on the other side. At the moment, I feel compelled to educate myself as much as I can in the conventional sense by reading books about parenting. As I always said with infertility, information is power. The more I learn about a scary subject, the more confident and better I feel. Plus, I used to babysit all of the time growing up so I know some of the basics will come back to me. But the broader parenting subjects around breastfeeding, what products to buy, sleep schedules, etc., - none of that was applicable to me as a babysitter so it's a brand new, and somewhat scary world to venture into.
I know lots of women say that they hate it when they are given unsolicited parenting advice. I'm the opposite. I'm soaking it up like a sponge. My friends who already have children have been such a help to me already in telling me all kinds of tips and tricks. I welcome any and all parenting tips. It's open season. Just lay them on me!
Thanks for letting me confess some of my fears. I wouldn't change any of this for the world. Period, end of story. I just hope I can be the kind of incredible mother my mom was to me, despite the fact that she won't be around to help me.