Thursday, October 31, 2013

Please help

If you're not caught up on my recent posts, our beloved embryo donor, Libby, tragically learned earlier this week that her six year old daughter has a terminal brain tumor (DIPG.) Before becoming a mommy through domestic infant adoption and IVF, Libby and her husband fought a long and hard battle through infertility and multiple losses. Now she and her husband are coping with the most devastating news any parent could receive.

She and her husband are incredibly special us. If you've been following my story, you'll know that earlier this year, she and her husband gave us the most precious gift anyone could give- the chance at parenthood through their four frozen embryos. I am heartbroken knowing that such special people are living every parent's worst nightmare. No one deserves to deal with such a thing. No child should have their life painfully cut short.

In addition to praying for Libby's family, I am asking for your help in a new way. I have learned that Libby's support network set up a Paypal account to accept donations as their daughter receives medical care.
Libby's family has a very tough road ahead. That road consists of the emotional and physical pain for her daughter and entire family, but it also consists the logistics involved in treating a six year old's brain cancer. It means travelling daily to and from the children's hospital for radiation treatments. This means time will be spent at the hospital instead of cooking meals. Restaurants cost extra money, and her daughter has special dietary restrictions because she also has Celiac disease. It will require lots of gas. I could go on and on, but as you can imagine, the expenses will be great.

Libby has set up a Caring Bridge page for her daughter, but for privacy reasons I have chosen not to share the link to it on my blog. When Libby and I first started our relationship, she agreed I could post about her on my blog but only use first names. Posting her Caring Bridge site link would compromise that request. But I'm pleased I am able to share a way for you all to help through this email address!

If you email me at I will give you the PayPal address set up for her family's donations.

Please consider donating. No amount is too small. Every little bit will help and go directly to her family.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Everything else is insignificant

Today is the day my baby Maggie was due. I've dreaded this day for many months. I knew my heart would be heavy and that today would be a very hard day. But yesterday, everything was put into perspective and my mind is completely and utterly preoccupied with someone else.


I learned late yesterday morning that Libby's six year old daughter's brain tumor is inoperable and incurable. And it is incredibly aggressive. As soon as I learned of the type of tumor (DIPG) I spent much of the day researching it. I found myself instantly in tears as I realized what this meant for Libby and her beautiful family. After work, Kevin came home and cried too. It's surreal thinking about the hell that they are going through with a diagnosis as devastating as this one.

I have no idea why such awful things happen to such good people. 

Libby and her husband are some of the most wonderful people I know. How can we feel so incredibly connected to people whom we've never met in real life and are thousands of miles away?  It must be because they've given us a very special piece of themselves through their embryos. A piece of both of them will forever be a piece of us. We have a love for them that I can't explain, and our hearts hurt so much for them at this excruciating time. I would give my ability to become a mother if it meant that their daughter would receive a miracle. But unfortunately I don't think God lets us barter like that. We don't get to be in charge. But if He hears me, I'm offering, Lord!!!

I feel called to help somehow but I am at a loss as to how or even if I can help this situation. I am so far away. I know they need their privacy. I am just praying. I pray every single second I can. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and prayed. I prayed as I first woke up. 

I beg of you to pray too. Please pray. Please.

The one thing I can do that does comes to mind is that I can try to bring awareness to this awful disease. This disease could affect any child in any of our lives.

In all of my research on DIPG yesterday, I was saddened by the lack of funding, awareness, and research that goes into finding a cure for childhood brain cancers. As if cancer isn't horrific enough on it's own, these pediatric cancers take our tiniest and most innocent victims. It's just not fair.

I ask of you, my amazing blog readers, to educate yourself on this disease. Please, do this for me. Doctors and researchers don't know why DIPG occurs, but most importantly, there is no cure. And even if you don't have a child or know a child, a cure to this type of cancer is incredibly important to all of us for many reasons:
  • Research to find new treatments for childhood brain tumors represents one of our greatest opportunities to advance cancer research in general. – The Cure Starts Now Medical Advisors
  • Many experts believe that the information we gain from a cure to pediatric brain cancer may provide us critical advances in other forms of cancer, both adult and pediatric. – The Cure Starts Now Medical Advisors
  • More than 359,000 people in the U.S. were living with a diagnosis of a primary brain and central nervous system tumor in the year 2000. – Pediatric Brain Tumor Foundation
  • In the year 2000 more than 26,000 children in the U.S. were living with the diagnosis of a primary central nervous system tumor. Each year 3,400 new cases are diagnosed. - Central Brain Tumor Registry of the United States (CBTRUS) report, Primary Brain Tumors in the United States, 2004-2005.
  • Every day nine children in the U.S. are diagnosed with a brain tumor. – Pediatric Brain Tumor Foundation
  • Brain tumors are the leading cause of cancer death from childhood cancer, accounting for 24 percent of cancer-related deaths in 1997 among persons up to 19. - Report of the Brain Tumor Progress Review Group; published in 2000 by the National Cancer Institute and the National Institute for Neurological Diseases and Stroke.
  • There are more than 120 different types of brain tumors, making effective treatment very complicated. – Pediatric Brain Tumor Foundation
  • Pediatric brain tumors are different from those in adults and are often treated differently. – Pediatric Brain Tumor Foundation
  • Because brain tumors are located at the control center for thought, emotion and movement, their effects on a child’s physical and cognitive abilities can be devastating. – Pediatric Brain Tumor Foundation
  • Quality of life for survivors of pediatric brain tumors is influenced by the long-term side effects of treatments such as chemotherapy and radiation. – Pediatric Brain Tumor Foundation
  • Cancer is the number one disease killer of children in America - more than Cystic Fibrosis, Muscular Dystrophy, Asthma and AIDS combined.
  • 1 in 330 children in the U.S. will develop cancer by age 20. On the average, 12,500 children are diagnosed with cancer each year.
  • The cause of most childhood cancers are unknown and at present, cannot be prevented. (Most adult cancers result from lifestyle factors such as smoking, diet, occupation, and other exposure to cancer-causing agents).
  • At this time, brain cancer research is underfunded and the public remains unaware of the magnitude of this disease. The cure rate for most brain cancers is significantly lower than that for many other types of cancer.
  • According to a September 12, 2008 article by Helen Jonsen, senior editor, the funding for pediatric cancer clinical trials has gone down every year since 2003, and is currently $26.4 million. By comparison, NCI funding for AIDS research was $254 million in 2006; funding for breast cancer topped $584 million the same year.
  • We may spend 3-5 times the amount of research money per patient on most adult cancer cases than we do on children with cancer.
  • In general, children with Central Nervous System (CNS) cancer do not share the favorable prognosis of those with many other common pediatric neoplasms. – National Cancer Institute
Here are a some of the only charities dedicated to finding a cure for DIPG. If you can help any of them in any way, please PLEASE do. 

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Anniversary weekend

Kevin has shown an interest in photography. So I decided for an anniversary present, I'd get him a DSLR camera. I knew it would mean that he and I could spend time taking pictures of stuff together. Therefore in a way, it was the perfect "us" gift. He loved it! Just as planned, we went to downtown Austin on Sunday and spent the majority of the morning/afternoon wandering around with the cameras. Here are just a few of the pictures I took from our outing.

First, we had a wonderful belated anniversary brunch at a historic Victorian home set on a lush property. There were beautiful peacocks, peahens, and pea-chicks running around. Even a few white peacocks!

After brunch, we went to the Texas State Capitol. I've been to a few state capitols in my life, but Texas by far is the most beautiful! The building is full of history, hallways, staircases, and was lots of fun to get lost with a camera in.

Even though it was a little overcast, it was a great day spending time together.

I've been having kind of a hard time as the estimated due date (Oct 30 - tomorrow) of baby Maggie approaches, but I'm glad I was able to stay distracted and happy with my wonderful husband this weekend. My current cycle is moving right along too. November 19th will be here before I even know it!

Monday, October 28, 2013

Prayers desperately needed

For those of you who have followed my blog for a while, you will know of my amazing embryo donor, Libby. She is an incredible mother to her four young children and a super hero to us and the snowflakes she graciously and selflessly gifted to us earlier this year.

She and her family have just learned that their six year old daughter has a brain tumor. Please say prayers for all of them - Prayers for her daughter, prayers that the doctors can help her little one, prayers for comfort for her and her husband, and prayers for her three younger children as well.

Friday, October 25, 2013

And the verdict is....

Green light!
My estrogen levels came back at 24 so I am cleared to start Estrace and decrease Lupron tomorrow! I'm still in shock because I was certain I'd be delayed due to no period, but whaddya know? I've got the clearance to continue with my calendar! What a great way to start the weekend!

Where did my lining go?

I had my baseline appointment bright and early this morning. Seeing how my period still has not started, I expected them to see a thick lining on ultrasound and to tell me that I need to call once my period arrives so I can get another scan. I was positive I'd be delayed just like I was my first FET.

That didn't happen.

I'm shocked because my lining was only at 4mm and looked great to start estrace. I am just waiting for the bloodwork to confirm this. Fingers crossed!

Where in the heck does this lining go if I don't have a period? Did it just disappear into thin air? Did I digest it with the food I ate last night? LOL

Oh well, I'll quit asking questions and just go with it! I'm just going with the flow this cycle because I realize I can't make my body do anything it doesn't want to. It is what it is and in this case it's a good thing!

My RE moved to a new facility in Austin and today was my first visit there. It's really nice! I will be able to have my transfer at this location instead of having to drive 1.5 hours to the San Antonio location like I have been doing so far. It's a major load off my shoulders to know it's going to be a breeze to get to and back. And the icing on the cake is that I even found out they can do the bloodwork in-house. I should be getting a call with the estrogen levels in a couple of hours.

Happy Friday!

Thursday, October 24, 2013

A special day...

Four years ago today I married my best friend. I had no idea when I said "I do" how much he and I were about to endure. There has been so much joy and so much pain. But I love him even more today than I did the day we got married. I am very blessed.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Onward and upward!

I took my last birth control pill last night. YAY! Good riddance to those things! I loathe them! Now I'm just on Lupron and have my baseline appointment on Friday. If all looks good, I'll start Estrace on Saturday. Less than a month left until transfer, people!

As for everything else, Kevin's mom is doing great. She went from being basically at death's door on the day of her surgery, to now doing so well that she's antsy to get out of the hospital! Her ordeal has been a huge distraction from cycling.  It's almost made cycling easy, I guess you could say. I'm basically on cycling auto-pilot as I help support Kevin and his family as his mom heals. Time has flown by!

No news on my dad's Argus II procedure. I'll post once I know more of what happens next.

The weather here has been beautiful. Austin tends to be insanely hot all Summer long and sometimes it drags out way into the Autumn season. But luckily this year the weather quickly changed to the cooler weather. On Saturday, Kevin and I were even able to light our first fire of the season in the fireplace. All Summer long I seriously look forward to the day we can do that. Ahhhhhh.....Fall is finally here. :)

Thursday, October 17, 2013

A life-changing opportunity

Today I want to share some incredible information about the world of modern medicine. And this time it's not regarding the wonders of reproductive medicine. Although I'm still in awe of the fact that in just over a month I could potentially be pregnant with adopted twins who are not genetically related to me or one another! That's pretty wild in it's own right. ;-)

But instead, this post is about my wonderment in the field of ophthalmological medicine and how a new retinal breakthrough is likely going to greatly improve my dad's life, and make the rest of my family incredibly happy.

I've mentioned before that my dad is completely blind from a genetic retinal disorder called Retinitis Pigmentosa. He's gone increasingly blind since a teen and ultimately went legally blind in 1985. Since his diagnosis, he's learned to adapt to life with a cane and with lots of my mom's help. When my mom passed away in 2011, he had to learn to be independent on a whole new level and it's been pretty hard on him. 

He is incapable of most everyday things that most of us sighted people take for granted. He obviously can't drive, he can't use the gas burners his stove. He wouldn't know if there was a fire breaking out in his laundry room. He gets lost at the grocery store unless someone is there to help him. And he can't even walk to our house which is a measly 15 houses away simply because there's a busy street in between with no crosswalk. Most days he's optimistic and has a zest for life, but many times his struggle becomes very apparent. These are just a few of many examples.

Well yesterday out of the blue he announced that his nurse had given him information on a newly FDA approved, Medicare-eligible device that can give him his vision back.

Yes, you read that correctly. He can get his vision back after being blind for the last 30 years.

The device is called the Argus II Retinal Prosthesis system.

In addition to surgery, the patient must wear specially fitted high-tech glasses that transmits a video image from the glasses to a retinal implant. Yes, it's clunky and looks a little silly. In fact, it reminds me of Geordi Laforge from Star Trek the Next Generation. But who cares how it looks?! This man hasn't seen a thing in almost three decades!

Now even though he obviously isn't going to regain all the vision back that he once had, he would be able to see shapes, shades of black/white/gray, read large letters, and recognize faces. He would be able to walk safely off of a curb, stay on the sidewalk, or avoid a branch hitting him in the head while he is walking. I know this seems insignificant, but when the alternative is to see complete black nothingness, the ability to see anything at all is a massive life-changing improvement!

I honestly never thought I'd live to see the day when an opportunity like this would present itself. I just can't believe it. I am in awe. My mom is smiling somewhere in heaven, this I know for sure! ;-)

He and the nurse are getting all of the details together as to when to make this happen. But it sounds like it's going to require a trip to Dallas for surgery, as well as some follow up visits for rehabilitation. Even though his retina is going to be receiving visual images, his brain must be retrained to interpret them properly. This takes a little work on his part.

The implications of this get me emotional. He hasn't seen my face since I was a little girl. He has no idea what my mom looked like in her final years. He's never seen his grandson or granddaughter. He's never seen Kevin. Ever. He's going to be seeing modern things for the first time in his life like iPhones, computer screens, the internet!

He may actually get to see our children someday. Okay, cue tears....

This is going to be such a life-changing opportunity and I am just bursting with joy thinking about it.

If you could spare any prayers that this all comes to fruition as we hope, we'd really appreciate it. But I had to share the news with you all!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Yesterday was a big day

Yesterday was a big day for a couple reasons...

First off, yesterday was the first time I experienced the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day having lost two babies myself. I was surprised how much the day affected me both in a comforting way and also in a difficult way. I found myself surrounded by so much love from other blog readers, IF friends, EA moms, etc., showing their support for all of the lost angel babies. But while there were many moments of comfort, I also found myself dealing with many moments of extreme grief as well. To be honest, this part caught me off guard. I had to hold back tears a few times at work thinking about the sadness for our babies who never made it into our arms. A woman posted this picture on one of the support group boards yesterday and I found I couldn't contain myself anymore and felt the tears come. They say a picture can tell a thousand words, and this picture certain does.

In addition to all of the online board posts, I also chose to go public on my Facebook about our losses. It was so touching to see how many of my friends reached out or "liked" it. My aunt even offered to light candles and pray for us which was very sweet.

To switch gears, I have some really exciting news to share...

Kevin's mom woke up yesterday!

The ICU doctor was finally able to take her off the ventilator and she is now able to breathe on her own. Once that happened, they lifted her sedation and she was very alert. As soon as I heard the news, I left work and rushed to the hospital. I was overjoyed by being able to talk with her again! She had to whisper due to the irritation in her throat, but she was able to tell us of the experience of surgery and being in ICU from her perspective for the past seven days. Unfortunately she had some disturbing nightmares as she "slept". In fact, she thought she had died and was watching herself in the ICU as a conspiracy unfolded. She dreamed that she was in a funeral home and the hospital was trying to sell bodies and was heartbroken that she'd never see her kids again. Can you imagine how frightening that must have been? She's very relieved that all of it was just a dream and we are so elated that this huge hurdle has been passed. She's on her way to a great recovery! Words can't express how grateful we are that she's finally at this point!

And in cycle news, I take my last birth control on Sunday. Hallelujah. I realize without a doubt that these pills make me feel one unusual emotion - fury! My temper is incredible short when I'm on them which is not like the normal me at all. I can't wait to kick them to the curb! Only a few days left!

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is October 15th, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Many of you know all too well that miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss affects one in four women. Please take a moment to light a candle at 7pm your local time to remember all of the babies who were taken too soon. I love you and miss you both, my beautiful angels.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Slowly but surely

I wanted to post a quick update on Kevin's mom. She's made slow but positive progress each and every day but remains in critical condition in the ICU. She is still heavily sedated and requires a ventilator, but we are hoping she can have the breathing tube removed today or tomorrow. She's recovering very slowly, but is at least headed in the right direction.

We've been visiting her pretty much daily even though she's not awake and may not know we are here. I wanted to feel like I was helping somehow so I dropped by her apartment, took a picture of her beloved cat, and framed it so it's here waiting for her when she wakes up. I hope it brings her some comfort.

As for my cycle, I start Lupron tomorrow. I can't believe how quickly it snuck up on me. Kevin and I went ahead and got our flu shots today which my RE recommended doing. I'm moving right along. I have a feeling my transfer day is going to be here before I know it.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

An incredibly intense day

I'll start by saying thank you all so much for the support and prayers I got in response to Monday's doom and gloom post. I felt like absolute crap Monday and clearly there was no hiding it. I think the culmination of everything hit me square in the face. And as many of you mentioned, I'm not alone in feeling that way and it's actually good that I acknowledge and feel these feelings as they come along. While I don't feel overly chipper today, I definitely don't feel like bawling my eyes out like I did on Monday. That's certainly a marked improvement!

While not related to infertility, yesterday was an incredibly stressful, emotional and surreal kind of day. As mentioned Monday, Kevin's mom had open heart surgery yesterday. Kevin's dad passed away in 2005 from cancer leaving his mom as his only surviving parent. His sister, Jennifer, flew in from NYC to be here as well. Her surgery was planned for five hours and started off by going very well. We got regular updates every hour and every update included "she's stable" until about the fourth hour when the updates were no longer positive and reassuring. They had run into complications getting her heart to start working again and her blood pressure had been dropping. They ended up putting in a balloon pump. When the surgeon had finally stabilized her after the eighth hour of surgery, he came out to talk to us and let us know what had happened and answered questions. He mentioned that this type of surgery is very serious - even more serious than bypass surgery. We knew it was a serious surgery, but I think all of us had underestimated the seriousness of it all. I am still in shock that she went through something so intense and life threatening. I am grateful she made it through it but those final hours of surgery were grueling and it felt like time was standing still.

Many hours after that, we finally got to see her in ICU while she was sedated with with tubes hooked into her. My heart just ached as I saw Kevin look at his mom as the nurses were buzzing all around her. I've seen this look on his face before and it was sheer panic and horror. He was trying to use his medical background to make sense of it all and to try to fix it. But of course, he couldn't. It was sensory overload for a son to witness. Being there brought back memories of when my mom was in her terrible car accident in 2007 and I had to see her unconscious and hooked up to tubes in the ICU in a very similar way. Many of the sounds, sights, and smells of this ICU were the same. It's not a place anyone wants to see their mother. Just awful.

We had been at the hospital since 5am and were exhausted. We finally left the ICU last night with instructions for the nurse to call Kevin if she crashes so we could rush to the hospital. And as you can imagine, we were on edge all night waiting for that phone to ring.

But I am grateful to report Kevin's phone did not ring last night which means she made it through the night! And according to the surgeon, the first hours and days after this kind of surgery are the most critical. Every passing hour where she remains stable is more reassuring than the hour before. We're waiting until they take her off of sedation and can remove the balloon pump so we talk and interact with her again. We can't wait for that moment!

Thanks for your prayers, our family could use them right now. It's a very scary time!

Monday, October 7, 2013

A dose of reality

As my blog description indicates, this blog chronicles our journey through infertility, embryo adoption, and loss. You can imagine that this journey is quite a rollercoaster ride. There have been ups and there have been downs. There have been both tears of joy and tears of sadness. But regardless, today reality has set in that that I still have no baby in my arms. Today I'm feeling sad and negative but I'm not going to apologize for it because this is how infertility really goes. Being sad and hopeless is part of the package some days.

I am sad about our lost babies. I am sad that our first baby was due this month. Had I not lost her, today I might be anxiously analyzing every symptom in my body wondering "is today the day I meet her?" I would be buying a Baby's First Christmas stocking and would be planning activities around having her with us for the Holidays. Instead, I sit here holding back tears while broken hearted realizing we are still childless. Everyone around me seems to be pregnant easily or by accident. Many people in my life are on their second, third, and fourth babies. It's not their fault they are fertile and I'm not, but it hurts so effing much that we are left behind at this place.

While traditional adoption brings some hope and is on the horizon for 2014, the thought of the new stresses it brings financially and emotionally is gut churning. And while I would do or give anything for a guaranteed chance at parenthood, the idea of scrounging together another $25k makes me physically ill.  I guess I just wish there were iron-clad guarantees. That would change everything.

I was pushed to the brink yesterday by my sister in law who is pregnant with her second child. But the hard part is that she regularly posts on Facebook with complaints about her pregnancy. I finally had it yesterday and unfriended her. I just don't care if it ruffles feathers in my family. Unless you've been through this yourself, you can't possibly understand the pain an infertile woman feels when they hear a pregnant woman complain about something they would give anything for. I just couldn't take it anymore. I would do anything to be in the position to be uncomfortable physically awaiting the birth of our child.

I am realizing how emotionally guarded and scared I am for this upcoming transfer. And I'll be honest, with that feeling comes some irrational guilt. I feel like a bad mom-to-be that I'm not throwing myself gleefully into this cycle with hope and excitement like I did the first two cycles. I'm terrified of it not just failing, but of actually miscarrying right before Christmas. The Christmas season is already marred by the anniversary of my mom's death. Two years ago she died on December 18 and we had her funeral on Christmas Eve. The sights, the smells, the sounds are all associated with losing her. So unless this final cycle brings some mind-blowing betas and nothing but overwhelming positivity, there isn't enough Christmas cheer on this planet to bring me to the new year in one piece.

I'm trying to remind myself that having lots of hope or little hope has no bearing on the actual outcome. This is in God's hands and it will either work or it won't. It's written. Period. I'm obviously physically going to give this cycle my 110%. But emotionally, while I'm trying to get optimistic about the outcome, I'm clearly having a really hard time.

It probably doesn't help that I am on-call again for work starting today (which I loathe and leaves me majorly sleep-deprived) and Kevin's mom is going through a much anticipated and much feared open heart surgery tomorrow. Kevin and I feel like we are always going to draw the you-get-to-be-on-the-screwed-side-of-the-odds card and he's convinced his mom is not going to survive this surgery. I feel confident she will be okay, but then again we've felt that way only to learn we've been gravely wrong before. It's stressful and scary.

But to leave you on a somewhat happier note, I can tell you that despite the lack of a child, or the success of a current pregnancy to write about, I feel so unbelievably blessed for my incredible husband, Kevin. I know God has brought us to (and through) this awful process with the intention of helping us grow closer together. Before learning of our infertility or losing our babies, I knew I loved him with all of my heart. But today I realize that I had no idea I could love someone as much as I love him now. Infertility can either rip you apart or bring you together, and I'm grateful it's done the latter for us.

Maybe this headspace is due to a case of the Mondays, but I really don't think so. You're reading words written by an emotionally damaged woman whose only babies are in heaven or frozen as snowflakes. I ache for the day I can hold a baby in my arms, but today that seems so far away.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

And my transfer date is...

November 19th! Earlier than I had expected! Beta is scheduled for December 2. I'm praying this year ends with wonderful news and we have a Merry Christmas. But honestly, I'm terrified! Thanks for the well wishes and prayers! :)

Some unexpected news

I got a call yesterday from my clinic's billing person saying my insurance preauthorization was approved only a week after it was submitted. I nearly fell out of my chair at the unexpected and fantastic news!

Based on the insane fight I had with them over my preauthorization last time, I expected at least some sort of a hassle this time. But there was none. I still have a loooooooong ways to go, but this is a really excellent way to start the cycle.

Because of this, I should be getting my new calendar today. I expect my transfer to be around week of Thanksgiving. I'll post the transfer date once I get it. It's always a fun day when you get your calendar!

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Dreaming about a nursery

I had my beta yesterday, and it was <1. I was cleared to start birth control pills and can officially say I've started FET #3. Woo hoo!

Kevin and I have been talking and regardless of whether we have a baby through this FET or domestic infant adoption, I feel like we should start to prepare a nursery. I want to feel like I'm doing something. I've read different people have different opinions about if/when to do this when pursuing domestic infant adoption, and I've read many people have found it to be therapeutic. I can see it helping me too. I love home decor, I love day dreaming about our future little one, so it's the perfect opportunity to get a jump start on it. It will help keep me positive. It's not tied to any specific pregnancy or adoption match, so I don't feel like if we encounter failure, we will see this room and be sad. It's our future baby's room, and if something falls through, then the room will still be waiting for our take home baby. That's how I'm looking at it.

The room designated for the nursery is empty after we cleared it out last year of all of the "junk". I have some photography studio equipment in there now, but other than that it is a blank slate!

We've decided we are going to paint the walls gray, get white furniture and other decor as we find good deals on it, and only after we are matched will we start to add the gender specific aspects that are pink or blue. I really can't wait to get this started. We've updated pretty much every room in our home, and this will be the final one that will get some work done.

Here are some photos that might help give you the picture of the look we are going for:

Girl nursery would have light pink accents:

Boy would have blue accents:

Either way, we can get the basic stuff done so only the personalized details can be added later. And if we do find that this FET is a success, we will already be ahead of the game for the baby. Seems like a good thing to do.