Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Two years ago

Thank you SO much for all of the kind words and congratulatory messages for our successful ultrasound on Monday. We are on top of the world! I've been feeling increasingly symptomatic, but I think that's a really good thing. The late afternoons and evenings are the hardest physically, but I wouldn't change it for the world! I'm seven weeks today. Such a miracle to type those words!

Today is a really important day and I want to talk about someone who is very special to me. Two years ago today, heaven gained one of it's most cherished angels when my mom passed away from colon cancer. Some days it feels like it was just yesterday, and others it feels like decades ago.

What would my mom think about the events that unfolded in the years after her passing? The painful path of our infertility would have crushed her. She knew how badly I wished to be a mother. Our losses, our failures - she would have been devastated right there next to us. But today, I know for certain that she'd be elated we are finally expecting our baby! She wanted only good things and happiness for her family. She wanted us to know the joys of parenthood. A couple weeks before she passed, I had barely been diagnosed with DOR and we had touched on the concept of embryo adoption. We had just learned of it ourselves. She was incredibly supportive of the idea. She loved all of her grandchildren even if she hadn't met them yet.

After her funeral, I sorted through her jewelry box to take anything sentimental home with me. I was surprised to find a beautiful snowflake pendant. To most people, it probably wouldn't have meant much to them. But to me, it felt as though it was my mom offering a smile and a nod to us for the incredible path of embryo adoption that we had only just discovered. I almost felt like she knew of the greater plan in store and was just showing us a glimmer.

I wore it so often that unfortunately one of the tips broke off!
In the months leading up to her death in 2011, "Without you" by David Guetta ft Usher would regularly be played the radio. I deemed this to be her song. The lyrics cut right into my soul. How in the world would I go on without her? She was my best friend.

I can't win, I can't reign.
I will never win this game without you, without you.
I am lost, I am vain. I will never be the same without you, without you.
I won't run, I won't fly. I will never make it by without you, without you.
I can't rest, I can't fight . All I need is you, & I without you, without you.

Coincidentally, I learned my dad had also deemed this to be her song. This was especially strange because my dad mainly listens to classical and choir music!

My mom was a beloved high school teacher in her local town. After her passing, the school started a scholarship in her memory and hosted a faculty talent show to raise money for it. While the entire talent show was amazing, one particular performance by the art teachers moved me to tears.


It appeared that my dad and I weren't the only ones who knew this was her song. Everyone else knew it too.

As months went by, her song played less frequently on the radio until hardly ever at all. But after a while, her song seemed to only play at pivotal moments in my life. I remember a monitoring ultrasound for our IVF cycle in 2012 where the RE told me that my ovaries were not responding whatsoever. I was devastated. I got into the car and started to cry. I turned on the car to make my drive into work, when all of the sudden her song began to play on the radio. It was as though she was trying to comfort me by telling me she was near.

About a year after her death, my dad moved from Utah to Texas. Buying his home just 15 houses up the street from us was such a special day. I remember how excited we were meeting the realtor and being handed the keys to his new house. I hopped back in the car with the keys in hand, turned on the radio and there was her song! I felt like she was pleased my dad would be looked after. She was definitely near.

Unfortunately, I haven't heard this song played on the radio for many, many months.

However on Monday, after our amazing ultrasound, I was stunned, in awe, and basking in the joy of hearing our baby's heartbeat for the very first time. On the drive home, I turned on the radio and guess what song was just starting to play? Her song! No doubt she was with us for such a joyous occasion. She wanted us to know she was near.

I love her and miss her so much, but I'm comforted knowing she is watching from the other side. I think she knows the bigger picture and is smiling as she watches it unfold.

23 comments:

  1. What a beautiful post Liz. I truly believe that there are signs. I just know your Mom is watching over you with a big smile on her face right now.
    After my Dad died I was lost and in a very bad place. I've seen a few signs from him and it always comforts me knowing he is watching over me.
    Take care and welcome to 7 weeks!

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear that you've lost your dad, but I really do believe in signs too. It can't just be a coincidence. I know he's watching over you as well. Thanks for the kind words.

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  2. It's so wonderful that you continue to feel your mom near and know how happy she would have been for you. The talent show video had me in tears. What a beautiful tribute! I'm sending you huge hugs on this day.

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    1. Thanks, DP! Yes, I do feel her near. Sometimes more so than others, of course. But yes, the talent show was just amazing. The amount of pride I have for being her daughter is huge!

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  3. Oh, boy. I am just trying to swallow this big lump in my throat. Such a beautiful post! How wonderful that your mother sends you signs with the playing of this song. I kinda know how you feel. I lost my grandmother to pancreatic cancer nine years ago and it broke my heart because she was my very best friend too. I kept hearing the song "I Can Only Imagine" and it just made me bawl thinking of her meeting Jesus for the first time.

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother! Yes, songs can be very powerful things indeed!

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  4. Wow! I got goosebumps, Liz...your mom is watching and she is SO HAPPY for you right now. What an incredible way to feel her with you through this song. God is good. ((HUGS)) -Kelly

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    1. I feel she's overwhelmingly happy for us too! I never expected her to have a song like this. It just kind of happened that way. And I'm so glad that it did because it really is awesome when it comes on the radio at these moments!

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  5. A very touching story. Your Mama is definitely looking down on all of you.

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    1. Such an amazing treasure to find. I wore it yesterday even with the broken tip and everything. :)

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  7. What an amazing story, Liz!! It brought me to tears; it sounds like your mom is very proud and excited for you and your growing family!!!

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    1. I think she is too!!! :) thanks for commenting!

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  8. I am so sorry for your loss. It is really awesome that you have a song for her and that you keep hearing it at poignant moments where it really means something! God is awesome!

    That video moved me to tears! What a great tribute to your mom! It's obvious she really had a positive impact on her students (and on you and your family as well). She clearly left a great legacy.

    I will continue to pray for you throughout your pregnancy! I am so excited for you! :)

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    1. She really did leave such an impact on her students. I am so proud of her! Thanks for the kind words and prayers.

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  9. Happy 7 weeks yesterday! Kristin

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  10. Liz, this is so beautiful. You're mother is certainly still with you. Thank you for sharing her story and spirit!

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    1. I think she's near too. :) thanks for the kind words!

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  11. This brought me to tears (and I'm no cryer!) What a beautiful tribute. It's obvious she was a special lady.

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    1. Aww, thank you! She really was amazing. :) Thanks for commenting and being so sweet!

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