Friday, November 8, 2013


Why do I want to just cry today? Hormones?  I feel like a whole bunch of stuff is hitting me all of the sudden. It's getting real. Really real.

This could very well be my last shot at becoming pregnant. Like ever. In my life, ever. I may never know what it's like to hear the heartbeat of the tiny life growing inside of me. I may never get to feel little baby kicks. I may never get to wake Kevin up in the middle of the night to tell him "I think it's time."

This could be my last chance.

I'm thinking about what lies ahead with traditional adoption. How can we come up with 30k? What if we get scammed? What potential heartbreak lies ahead on this path? What if we never get picked? What if we do only to have the birth mother decide to parent after all?

I'm seeing birth announcements now for babies conceived after Maggie was. I should have Maggie in my arms, but I don't.

I should be nearing the end of my first trimester with our second pregnancy.

I miss my mom. I'm starting to forget her voice. It's scaring me to realize that.

Why in the world is Libby forced to endure the current circumstance with her beautiful daughter?

I'm trying not to cry myself into a mess as I write this on my phone from my work parking lot. I don't want to ruin another day for myself over nothing. I'm having one of those days that I'm sure many of you who have been through infertility and loss can relate to.

I hope I can get it together here soon and have a happy weekend.

Thanks for letting me get this out.


  1. Oh...I know all too well how the "Why" questions will pop up out of nowhere. And the what-if's and the where I should be's. It is so hard and I can relate so well with this. I pray, truly pray, that God will bless you abundantly. You deserve to have all those things you mentioned in your feel baby kicks, and hear heartbeats, and to wake your husband up in the middle of the night to go to the hospital. Sending you lots of well wishes and prayers...

    Mel (

    1. Thanks, this really means a lot to me. I am feeling much more grounded today. It's weird how these days seems to come and go. I'm not sure what the triggers are sometimes, but they just hit me out of nowhere. It helps me to know that I'm not alone, that others related, and I'm not crazy. Thank you.

  2. Sorry you are having a tough day. When I get stuck on the ugly "whys" of the world I have to remind myself it's because this world is broken and refocus on God. It doesn't make the pain or suffering go away (or even really any less), but rather puts it in perspective. Praying for you today and praying for your upcoming cycle.

    1. Thanks, Lara. I've tried asking God for help, and it's still hard some days. Luckily I'm better today, maybe because of God's help or just because these days come and go. I wish I could stay strong and focus each day on the big picture, but it's very hard. I appreciate the prayers so much!

  3. A lot of what you've said resonates with me too... Why is the worst question I battle with. And it's ok if you get stuck in a messy cry. It's not over nothing - it's over everything. I find that I feel better after letting my emotions out. I think we all know how hard it is to have all of this bottled up inside.

    I've been thinking of you and hoping that this cycle makes your dreams come true!

    1. Thanks for commenting. I appreciate that you're validating my feelings. Sometimes I feel like I'm being a big baby and I can't identify the trigger for my emotions. But you're right, sometimes "everything" hits me and it's not nothing. I was able to get it all out with Kevin on Friday night and it helped my soul big time. I imagine there will still be more days like this, but I'm so appreciative for Kevin and the support of you guys. Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers!

  4. There is so much unfairness in the is so hard to not get stuck on it. People who deserve to be parents and have all those wonderful milestones are struggling, while others who have an "oops" take home healthy babies. It is unfair and it is hard not to ask "why".

    I wish I had an answer... but what I can say is that you will be a wonderful mom - however it comes. You deserve to feel those kicks, and see that heartbeat and grow your baby inside you... but if it doesn't come that way - you will still have so many wondrous things to experience as a parent. And you will be one... how and when your baby will arrive - I don't know, but you were meant to be a mom and your baby will be so lucky to have you.

    And I'll share what someone once said to me - once you have your baby cuddled in your arms, hearing them breath and feeling their heartbeat, you'll know all the pain, and heartbreak and soul battering you've endured was all worth it...

    (((HUGS))) And many prayers lifted for you...

  5. Thank you so much for the kind words. You are so sweet. I appreciate the prayers and hugs so much!