Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Green light!

I had my final lining check today and....

We are officially a GREEN LIGHT for the November 19th transfer!

My lining is at 8.8mm and perfect triple stripe. Yay! My RE said the words "beautiful" and "perfect" at least ten times over the course of the ultrasound. Ya gotta love that!

While in the waiting room before my appointment, I was surprised when my embryologist came out to chat with me and to tell me again that my snowflakes were there safe and sound. I got goose bumps knowing they were actually just feet away in the lab! While chatting, I learned that they are gearing up for their very first round of transfers next week now that they have opened their new location in Austin. And while I won't be their first embryo transfer, I will be their very first frozen embryo transfer at the new location. Pretty exciting!

Even though everything was perfect with the ultrasound, I'll admit that I went into it expecting bad news. I didn't want to feel that way, but for some reason I just did. As you may have noticed, I've found myself incredibly guarded about this cycle and I'm sure it's my heart's way of trying to protect itself. However, after the good news from the appointment I felt my heart swell with the foreign emotions of joy and excitement for the first time in a very long time! Within a few minutes of basking in the hope that this cycle just might actually result in parenthood, I felt an intense sense of fear overwhelm me for daring to feel hopeful again. I felt like it was unsafe to feel this way. I tried hard to shake that notion, but it stuck around for a bit and tainted my blissful moment. Then afterwards, I found myself fascinated at the polar opposite emotions that unfolded so quickly. It's clear that the events of the past few years have damaged me. I hate it. Ugh.

I am working hard to try to change that as much as I possibly can. When I got my BFP from FET #2, Libby gave me some great advice about hanging onto hope that I keep telling myself over and over. She helped remind me that it's okay to be scared. But guarding myself from joyfulness and hope won't completely avoid the heartache that may or may not come in the future. Failure and loss will hurt really bad whether or not I had hope leading up to it or not. Therefore why allow myself to be robbed of joyful moments as they come along? I should enjoy these moments every chance I get! I'm trying to do that with all my heart, but it's definitely something that comes much harder for me than it used to.

I'm hope I can squash that fear and keep the negativity monster at bay and relish in the good news as long as I can! Thanks for the prayers and encouragement. You've helped me immensely.

17 comments:

  1. Libby is exactly right, guarding your heart won't ever make it easier if something doesn't work out. Continued prayers!

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    1. She is totally right! Thanks for the prayers!

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  2. I completely understand. That's the way I felt with our fourth attempt, especially b/c we had decided it would be our last. I tried to remember that no matter what I was still the Mom to these babies even though I didn't know how long I would get to enjoy them with me but they still deserved my love and hope. I ended up with an overwhelming peace as each attempt I was reminded I am not the One in control and I needed to " let go. " Thankfully that cycle resulted in our son----no matter what I do feel God has an amazing design for your family that will exceed your wildest dreams or plan you could've imagined. Your journey has and will continue to reach lives. I don't feel like God gives some women this deep desire to be a mother for no reason. I am praying for you and am so glad things looked well for you today!!

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    1. I feel that feeling of letting go of control. There really is something freeing about it. This doesn't mean I don't love these embryos and want them to become babies any less. But there is some peace in not letting myself get too involved in these steps as I go along. I'm trying God, I'm trusting my RE, and I'm trying to stay grounded and focused on the fact that God will do whatever He has in store for us. I can do it willingly, or I can do it kicking and screaming lol. I'm trying hard to do it willingly! I think part of my being guarded is partially that, and the other part is my heart trying to protect itself from more heartbreak. Thank you for the kind words!

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  3. hi - I'm a long time reader but don't think I've ever commented. just wanted to say that I've had some experiences lately where I feel repeatedly knocked down and have been afraid to hope and be happy, at times. Libby is totally right - don't lose a moment of joy because it won't hurt any less if something goes wrong just because you've prepared yourself for it. it hurts all the same. so glad you had a great appt and wishing you all good things to come and peace and strength, no matter what.

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    1. Thank you so much. She is so right! I am so sorry you've been through some negative experiences, but you speak from experience when you say it won't hurt less. I'm learning that too. I'm going to just continue to put trust in God and my RE and go with this. What is meant to be, will be. But oh man, do I hope it's baby(ies). :)

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  4. So excited for you! Come on BFP!

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    1. Thanks! Hopefully a BFP and a sticky sticky baby or two! :)

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  5. Praying for wonderful joy for you through this transfer coming up! - Kelly

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  6. That is a great lining!! Thinking positive thoughts!

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  7. Praying and believing for your snowflakes & for Libby's family <3

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    1. Thank you for the prayers, especially for Libby's family. She is on my mind non-stop....I know prayers are heart.

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    1. I am just in awe at you. Just in complete awe that you are so selfless and even thinking of me during this time. <3 <3 <3

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  9. I'm so excited and hopeful for you and I loved reading the word "perfect"!

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