I had my final lining check today and....
We are officially a GREEN LIGHT for the November 19th transfer!
My lining is at 8.8mm and perfect triple stripe. Yay! My RE said the words "beautiful" and "perfect" at least ten times over the course of the ultrasound. Ya gotta love that!
While in the waiting room before my appointment, I was surprised when my embryologist came out to chat with me and to tell me again that my snowflakes were there safe and sound. I got goose bumps knowing they were actually just feet away in the lab! While chatting, I learned that they are gearing up for their very first round of transfers next week now that they have opened their new location in Austin. And while I won't be their first embryo transfer, I will be their very first frozen embryo transfer at the new location. Pretty exciting!
Even though everything was perfect with the ultrasound, I'll admit that I went into it expecting bad news. I didn't want to feel that way, but for some reason I just did. As you may have noticed, I've found myself incredibly guarded about this cycle and I'm sure it's my heart's way of trying to protect itself. However, after the good news from the appointment I felt my heart swell with the foreign emotions of joy and excitement for the first time in a very long time! Within a few minutes of basking in the hope that this cycle just might actually result in parenthood, I felt an intense sense of fear overwhelm me for daring to feel hopeful again. I felt like it was unsafe to feel this way. I tried hard to shake that notion, but it stuck around for a bit and tainted my blissful moment. Then afterwards, I found myself fascinated at the polar opposite emotions that unfolded so quickly. It's clear that the events of the past few years have damaged me. I hate it. Ugh.
I am working hard to try to change that as much as I possibly can. When I got my BFP from FET #2, Libby gave me some great advice about hanging onto hope that I keep telling myself over and over. She helped remind me that it's okay to be scared. But guarding myself from joyfulness and hope won't completely avoid the heartache that may or may not come in the future. Failure and loss will hurt really bad whether or not I had hope leading up to it or not. Therefore why allow myself to be robbed of joyful moments as they come along? I should enjoy these moments every chance I get! I'm trying to do that with all my heart, but it's definitely something that comes much harder for me than it used to.
I'm hope I can squash that fear and keep the negativity monster at bay and relish in the good news as long as I can! Thanks for the prayers and encouragement. You've helped me immensely.