I'm feeling pretty negative today at 4dp6dt. I have no particular reason to feel this way, I just do. Kevin and I were talking about it a few days ago and we both irrationally feel like we're somehow destined to endure all kinds of hardships along this crazy infertility journey. In the beginning, I had no idea that I'd be diagnosed with infertility, let alone a diagnosis making me one of the most infertile of all infertiles with DOR. I had no idea I'd have no response whatsoever to maximum medication to an IVF cycle, but that's how it worked out. And of course, I had no idea that in a million years I'd experience a miscarriage, let alone one that dragged out with rising but not doubling betas cruely until 9w. And yes, I experienced a failed ART cycle for my IUI in 2011, but I wasn't hopeful. I knew it wouldn't work. I do have hope this time, so therefore I feel like I'm supposed to endure a failure after having so much hope. That's next on the checklist for me. It seems like it's inevitable. Who am I to think I could skate by without a huge, disappointing BFN somewhere in the mix? I know that's a crazy thought, but I can't shake it.
And it really hit me this morning that while we do have three embryos left over, one of them is not expected to survive thaw. That means realistically, we only have one shot left with a transfer of the other two. So much racing through my mind.
I'm also really frustrated at work. This is a new phenomenon because I've really liked it for the past three years. There is a new manager who obsessively micromanages everyone and makes my team feel like complete losers. It's tearing our team apart. I have stood up to her a few times, but it's getting really old and it doesn't seem to make any difference. I wish I didn't have this to deal with on top of everything else.
Last, but not least, I found out another cousin of mine is newly pregnant. And my sister in law is complaining about her pregnancy to my Dad, and then he goes on to tell me about it. It seems like all it takes for everyone in my life to get pregnant is to look at their husband. Pregnancy announcements are killing me right now. And hearing that people aren't happy being pregnant is a knife to my chest.
Off to the lab to get my progesterone drawn. Thanks for hearing me be a little negative today.