Tuesday, September 24, 2013

How I'm coping with my newest loss

I'm doing okay.

I'm really trying to look toward the future. I got the insurance pre-authorization ball rolling right away for the next cycle because I'm prepared for another ugly fight with my insurance company like last time. Hopefully not as bad because I really don't know how much strength I have in me to go through that again.

I'm also planning to indulge in all kinds of pregnancy no-no things this week. I am going to ready my "Adoption for Dummies" book while taking a bubble bath this morning. I'm going to sip on a full-caffiene cup of coffee. I'm going to have sushi for lunch. I'm going to go in the hot tub this weekend. And Kevin and I just might go to the shooting range and shoot holes in paper zombie targets. There's no bright side to losing a baby, but I'm trying to look on whatever bright side I can find.

I've been immersing myself in learning about traditional adoption. I've started reading my book, researching agencies, and I've also been thinking about blogging about our new journey if and when the time comes. I think I'll be starting a new blog to document the new journey into traditional adoption since this blog is clearly dedicated to embryo adoption (snowflake=frozen embryos.) Any ideas on names? I was tossing around blog name ideas while laying on the acupuncture table yesterday morning. Here are a few that popped into my head:

  • Rainbow After the Storm
  • A Lovely New Normal
  • In the Eye of the Storm
  • When I Look to the Sky
  • Life After the Snowfall (I originally had After the Snowfall but it looks like that domain is unavailable)

What do you guys think? Any of these jump out at you? Any other creative ideas? Brainstorming on this kind of thing keeps me hopeful so throw your ideas at me.

I am starting to formulate and jot down all kinds of questions about traditional adoption. There is so much I just don't know. But the most discouraging one that jumps to mind first and foremost is HOW IN THE WORLD DO PEOPLE AFFORD THIS!? I expected it to be between $15,000-$25,000 for domestic newborn adoption, everything included. But so far, the two online information packets I've received state that just the agency fees alone are around $35,000! This puts a pit in my stomach. We will have find a way to pay one way or another, but I have a feeling it's going to involve fundraising and pinching pennies. Financially, we have been bled dry from all of the infertility treatments over the past three years, but I know once we get the funds together traditional adoption is a very promising route. God will find a way to provide.

I've also researched working with an adoption consultant. This is a person who independently holds your hand throughout the whole adoption process. They work with multiple agencies which can help you get matched quicker. They can help you avoid pitfalls or scams because they've been around the block quite a few times themselves. They cost extra money - anywhere between $1500-$4000 extra, but so far everything I've read from other adoptive parents indicates they are worth the extra cost. Most agencies waive the typical $300ish application fee if you are working with a consultant so some of the cost is negated there since you apply to multiple agencies.

So there are my thoughts for the day. I'm trying to move forward mentally. Thanks for reading and for your support.

44 comments:

  1. I like the blog title "After the Snow Fall"! ((Hugs!!))

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    1. I was leaning toward that one too! Unfortunately, I should have checked before posting it as an option because I learned that afterthesnowfall.com is not available. But lifeafterthesnowfall.com is. So I think thats the winner!

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  2. The shooting range sounds like a perfect outlet! Shoot 'em up!! I hope you and Kevin are able to enjoy his birthday today. I love "After the Snow Fall"! It seems fitting. Adoption costs are outrageous! When my husband and I looked into adoption we met with an organization that does foster care and adoption through the state of TX. I want to say if you adopt through them (you don't have to do foster care in order to adopt) it's less than 5K, with much of that being reimbursed. Their closest location to you is Round Rock and they have info meetings you can attend for free. If you want more info, text or email me. :)

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    1. I just sent you an email! I'd love to hear more!

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  3. I like after the snow fall too! So perfect for your journey!

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    1. I had to choose Life After the Snowfall because the other wasn't available (oops) but I like that one too! Thanks for the input!

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  4. You're doing what I like to do post cycle only I like to drink a few glasses of wine too. I'm sorry you are going through this. Wishing you well in your insurance and other adventures as you gear up for your next cycle.

    PS) I like the after the snowfall name too!

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    1. I'm sure I have a few glasses in my future! Thank you for the support and for the input on the new blog name. :)

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  5. Adoption costs are a prohibitive factor for many potential adoptive parents. It's really overwhelming, but as you said, I'm sure you will find a way. There are lots of great fundraising sites online too. I hope you find peace and happiness with whatever you choose.

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    1. I think I'll be researching those fundraising sites for sure. Thanks for the encouragement.

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  6. I like "After the Snowfall" too. And I don't know if the domain name was taken, but I know that someone else already blogs with the name of Rainbow After the Storm (and I think they are EA too...)
    I am going through my basement right now and I may have some adoption books from when we were at the fork in the road in our journey...if I find them, I may try to get them to you.

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    1. You're right, I googled it so I guess Rainbow after the storm is out. :) I wouldn't want to copy another blogger.

      If you do find those books, I'd love them! I'm soaking up all the information I can right now.

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  7. I like Rainbow after the Storm.

    I enjoy shooting, too! We don't do ranges anymore... just shoot in the "yard"... but it's fun :)

    The adoption agency we went through (we needed a home study for NEDC) said that their cost was about $15,000-$20,000. It is a smaller agency in Fargo, ND, but I would look around a bit more. Have you looked into Christian agencies? That's what ours was. I would think they would be less expensive. But maybe TX just has more regulations therefore more expense.

    Godspeed! Have you read Ashley's blog? She also tried EA twice and ended up going traditional adoption to get their beautiful little girl. http://www.weareexpectingmiracles.blogspot.com/

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    1. It is fun! Great way to blow of steam (responsibly, of course!) :)

      I've found a few other agencies that seem to be more affordable, so I'm not going to let the initial sticker price sway me too much.

      And yes, Ashley posts on my blog from time to time and I've read her story. Pretty amazing!

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  8. Hi Liz, I'm with Malia. I like Rainbow after the Storm.

    I would suggest finding a local adoption support group, one that is Christian if possible (if that's important to you). I attend both infertility and adoption groups (held by same group, different nights) and it has been tremendously helpful. Many of us in the adoption group "graduated" from the infertility group. It's nice to be supported by others that have been there or are going through it. There is also a adoption support group on FB that I am part of, and if you like I can invite you to it. There has been a lot of good ideas, fundraising ideas, referrals, etc.

    Domestic adoption costs really do vary. It all depends on what's right for you. Some agencies only work within the state or one or two nearby states. Those usually costs less, but from my friends' experiences, could be a longer wait. If you work with consultants or agencies that work with multiple agencies across the country, it can cost a lot more, but my friends have had a much shorter wait as the pool of infants available is bigger. I guess you need to do your homework and choose what is right for you.

    I'm like you, after my transfer got cancelled, I enjoyed wine, sushi, soft cheeses, coffee, etc. I think I'm due for a large cocktail too!

    Hugs to you!

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    1. There is so much information to soak in, but I'm excited to be soaking it up. *hug* I am so sorry about your cancelled transfer. Yes, you do deserve a great top-shelf cocktail!

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  9. I've had a wonderful experience with Nightlight Christian Adoptions, not sure if you've looked into them yet. Our domestic infant total cost was going to be 24K, which includes the homestudy. They set up the charges so that they are paid as the services are rendered, so you don't pay the whole thing up front. You have months in between each step to save up if need be. Also, many agencies will have you cover some of the birthmother expenses. Nightlight handles this as a standard "donated" amount from all adoptive families that they put it into the agency's birthmother fund. So our contribution counted as a tax deductible donation. Hope that info helps, just to give you something to look at and ask about as you explore other agencies. :)

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    1. Thank you for the information. I did read about them and requested an information packet today. The idea that there is less financial risk is positive, especially because that's one of Kevin's largest concerns.

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  10. Responsible people pay for their adoptions the same way they pay for anything else that is important to them: By saving up. $500/month for 4-5 years will cover the cost of a private adoption. I'm assuming you've saved up $25k for something you wanted like down payment, yes? Surely you're willing to work just as hard to save up for a baby!

    Get a part time job, pick up some overtime or have a garage sale. ANYTHING to earn the money yourself that does not involve running illegal lottery-style giveaways (of an iPad or vitamix) or straight-up begging for cash from strangers and friends on the web. Keep in mind that many women who relinquish a child for adoption do so because they can't afford to raise the kid. If you don't have $24-35k to pay the adoption fees? You can't afford to raise that kid either.

    Keep in mind that you're not ENTITLED to raise somebody else's kid - no matter how much you wanna be a mommy or how wonderful a mom you think you'd be.

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    1. Oh Sandee, thank goodness you decided to comment! I have no idea what I would have done without your amazing and informative lecture. Until you posted, I had planned to run an underground rooster-fighting ring to raise the funds. I was lost, but now I'm found.

      You mean to tell me I'm not ENTITLED to "raise someone else's child?" I can totally see how you would have gathered I felt that way based on all of my posts that talk about how I'm owed everything and how I know it's because I'm such a good mom-to-be. Plus, on this particular post alone I must have mentioned being entitled at least ten times. You caught on, you smart little cookie, you.

      I'm glad to hear that you received the financial application that I sent you which detailed my employment history, annual combined household income, and monthly expenses. It sounds like upon your review we don't make enough money to adopt and we aren't willing to do what it takes. We're very selfish like that. I'm definitely not dedicated to having a child, so thank goodness for your wisdom to piont that out. Please, continue to spread your infinite knowledge around the internet because you're a major helper indeed. Lots of other irresponsible women you still have to set straight!

      I'm going to go cancel the e-vite for the rooster-fight I had planned for the weekend. Whew, that was a close one!

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    2. So much I want to say to you Sandee. Pretty much everything you wrote was laughable and not even worth my finger energy. But your comment about the cash struck me as impressively ignorant...so let me get this straight... you have $24-35k liquid cash to raise a child? Really? Really?!?! Well damn.

      And your last comment shows what a complete fool you are ...When children are adopted they become your child so she would not be raising somebody elses child she would simply be their mother.

      And Liz I want a evite to that cock fight...I think I know just the dick to throw in the ring.

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    3. Love this, Mom and Wife! Thanks for the great comment!

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    4. Hey Liz, I was reading through your comments and this caught my eye. This Sandee also recently left me an ugly comment on my blog which I promptly deleted. Sadly, there are several "trolls" who are anti-adoption and even have blogs dedicated to how evil adoptive parents are. Apparently these people have been hurt by the adoption process in some way. I'm sorry she found her way to your blog.

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    5. Sandee, you're a turd.

      That is all.

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  11. Hi Liz, it's ArgyleBride from the Bump--I just wanted to say that I love "Life after the snowfall." It has so many facets--the "life" could refer to yours, or to the new life you'd be bringing into your family. I think it is subtle and beautiful.

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    1. I really think that's going to be the winner. :) Life after the Snowfall. It does seem to be fitting, and it appears to be available too. I appreciate your vote for it!

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  12. Really, Sandee, there was nothing helpful with your comment. So what your saying is that every responsible parent has $25k in the bank before each and every child they conceive or adopt? That's just insane! And not once did Liz say that she felt entitled to a child. To insinuate such is insulting!

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  13. I am sorry that you are having to hear from negative people during your time of grieving the loss of your child. So very sad. (((hugs from Texas)))

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    1. People are idiots but I won't let it bother me. ;-) Thanks for the kind words.

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  14. Sandee - you need a good slap upside the head... your comment was ignorant and insensitive beyond measure.

    (((HUGS))) Liz. You DO deserve to be a mom and you WILL be a wonderful one.

    I'm glad you're finding comfort in doing some fun things, as well as exploring adoption. We looked into it extensively and the best book I read was "The Complete Adoption Book" (Laura & Raymond Godwin). Although our last cycle worked out so we haven't actually traveled the adoption road (yet), I still liked the book for exploring the process.

    I really like "After the Snowfall" for your new blog name... because I just automatically finish the sentence in my head "After the Snowfall...come the Spring"

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  15. By the way, we are using Bethany Christian Services. Their fees are based on your income- placement fees (which are paid only after a baby has been placed with you) are $15,000 up to a max of $25,000. There is also the homestudy fee (usually around $1000) and a "waiting families" fee of $3,000. Hope this helps! Feel free to email me with any other questions.

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    1. Thank you for this information! I submitted a request to Bethany, and promptly got a response saying they aren't licensed in Texas so they can't help us. :( Bummer! But I am really glad you gave us the info.

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  16. Liz, I am so sorry for this loss. Our minds are in the same place today - see my post on domestic infant adoption!

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  17. Liz, I am truly sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and Kevin, but I know that God will provide a route for guys just as you said. And I will be praying for this for you guys. You're an amazing woman- strong, kind, faithful. Your spirit and passion is inspiring to so many, and you will be a beautiful gift to a child one day. Thinking of you always. ((hugs))

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    1. Steffany, thank you for such sweet and supportive words. This means the world to me. I definitely do not feel strong most of the time! I pray you're right and one day a little one will be able to call me their mom.

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  18. I'm sorry you are having to go through this, especially then getting such a stupid comment from the likes of Sandee. Ugh. It's amazing how many people give the advice of "why don't you just adopt," when clearly it is not that easy and very, very expensive. I wish you the best of luck with your next transfer, and moving forward after that as well.

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    1. Thanks. You're right - there is nothing 'just' about 'just adopting. It's very difficult and expensive. But I realize it's definitely worth it! Thanks for the encouragement!

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  19. I'm just going to gently mention this as something to pray about. Adoption from foster care is generally free in the state of Texas. Yes, fostering can be a hard journey but it is incredibly rewarding and there is such a need. Right now our family has 2 foster babies living with us. One of them is almost certainly going to be adoptable and the other one we are still early in the case. Our family has adopted 2 children this way. It's sometimes a hard journey but so worth it.!

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    1. Hi Jennifer, we have looked into the foster system in Texas and when I contacted them about it, they said they wouldn't even respond to ANY inquiries without a homestudy. I found that to be quite a tragedy when I am just exploring it as an option. I'm not sure it's the right path for us, but I'm not ruling anything out. I just am frustrated that they are less cooperative in helping us get information. I am happy that it has been a good situation for you and I wish you the very best.

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    2. Dealing directly with the state can be challenging. Many foster agencies will offer free orientations/informational meetings. And if you do go that route, your homestudy is free. Just another option :)

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  20. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I followed your blog regularly as we planned for an adopted embryo transfer this fall. Miraculously our son found us first in June. We did a bunch of fundraisers to help with the costs and my dear friend who also lives in Texas has applied for several grants (http://jillyannance.blogspot.com/). Feel free to stop over to our blog for the full story but should you decide to go this route make sure to let your OBGYN know! Without my OBGYN we would still be waiting. (http://builtfromlove.blogspot.com/2013/06/lucas.html)

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    1. Thank you for your support, and congratulations on your son. I am definitely gearing up for some fundraising. Thank you for the tips!

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