My RE called me herself to let me know of my beta results. I could tell in the somber tone of her voice my results weren't good.
I prayed for a concrete answer, and I got it. While I am very sad, I did a lot of processing over the weekend (especially Friday) and I actually have found that there is a relief in knowing this miscarriage will not be dragged out like my last one was. Comparing the two, this is hands-down so much easier than last time. This doesn't mean I love either baby more or less than the other, but if it's in God's plan that I won't know this baby on earth, this way is so much easier for me to handle. It is unfortunate that tomorrow is Kevin's birthday and we got news like this, but as with all of the other tragedies we've endured, it is what it is. We will get through it.
Logistically speaking, my RE said to stop my meds and I should get my period in a few days. Once I start, I can get on birth control pills again and cycle right away. Speaking of cycles, that brings me to talk about next steps.
We have a plan for next steps that I feel good about. As mentioned in my last post, I had a great talk with Libby on Friday. She posed the question to me "What are your plans if none of these embryos bring you your family?" and I'm really glad she asked so I could get it out in the open. Kevin and I have always figured our next step would be to pursue domestic infant adoption. Libby was very supportive, knowledgeable, and confident that this was a great path for us. She even pointed out that at the beginning of the call I sounded sad and depressed (because I was) and when we switched to the topic of domestic infant adoption, I sounded enthusiastic and excited again. She was right. I feel hope when I think about this new path. Libby's first child is the result of domestic infant adoption. She knows all about it and I know there's more than one reason God led us to her!
So the question is: When is the right time exactly?
We've put a lot of thought into the answer. Here are the basic facts about our current situation. We currently have three frozen embryos remaining and we've always planned to transfer two per transfer. We also know that one of the three is not expected to survive thaw, likely leaving us with only two to transfer anyway. So if we're being realistic, this leaves us with only one chance left and there will be no embryos remaining.
Sure, the one that isn't expected to survive just might. And if it does, we would still have one embryo on ice. That's great. But seeing how we only have time for one last cycle this year and we have already met our 2013 deductible, it would make sense to save that remaining embryo (if it survives) and start directing our funds in 2014 toward traditional adoption - which is not cheap whatsoever. We could try for a sibling with it down the road. But unfortunately we have time for only one more cycle attempt in 2013.
And on a side note, I also understand we may be more appealing to potential birth-parents if we don't have children yet, so perhaps it's all meant to work out this way. There's no question our family will be built of traditional adoption one way or another, and hopefully embryo adoption too - either now or in the future. The order in which it happens is in God's hands.
I'm still hanging onto hope that our upcoming FET will be a success. But for my own sanity, I have to be prepared for next steps in case it's not. Many people cope by taking time off and relaxing, but I need to be ready to open that next door the minute one closes or I'll go crazy. That's how I cope and that's who I am. When I am doing nothing is when I am the most depressed. And I'm so glad that we have a new, exciting (and somewhat terrifying) path to pursue. I am lucky to know Libby who has been an amazing cheerleader and knowledgeable friend throughout this struggle. I honestly don't even know where to start, but I'm already dipping my toes in the adoption waters. I've been reading books and researching agencies which is a big task in itself. Hopefully we will find an agency we feel good about and get the ball rolling in 2014 if the next cycle doesn't work for us.
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.