Monday, September 23, 2013

Beta #2 - It's over.

My RE called me herself to let me know of my beta results. I could tell in the somber tone of her voice my results weren't good.

14.

It's over.

I prayed for a concrete answer, and I got it. While I am very sad, I did a lot of processing over the weekend (especially Friday) and I actually have found that there is a relief in knowing this miscarriage will not be dragged out like my last one was. Comparing the two, this is hands-down so much easier than last time. This doesn't mean I love either baby more or less than the other, but if it's in God's plan that I won't know this baby on earth, this way is so much easier for me to handle. It is unfortunate that tomorrow is Kevin's birthday and we got news like this, but as with all of the other tragedies we've endured, it is what it is. We will get through it.

Logistically speaking, my RE said to stop my meds and I should get my period in a few days. Once I start, I can get on birth control pills again and cycle right away. Speaking of cycles, that brings me to talk about next steps.

We have a plan for next steps that I feel good about. As mentioned in my last post, I had a great talk with Libby on Friday. She posed the question to me "What are your plans if none of these embryos bring you your family?"  and I'm really glad she asked so I could get it out in the open. Kevin and I have always figured our next step would be to pursue domestic infant adoption. Libby was very supportive, knowledgeable, and confident that this was a great path for us. She even pointed out that at the beginning of the call I sounded sad and depressed (because I was) and when we switched to the topic of domestic infant adoption, I sounded enthusiastic and excited again. She was right. I feel hope when I think about this new path. Libby's first child is the result of domestic infant adoption. She knows all about it and I know there's more than one reason God led us to her!

So the question is: When is the right time exactly?

We've put a lot of thought into the answer. Here are the basic facts about our current situation. We currently have three frozen embryos remaining and we've always planned to transfer two per transfer. We also know that one of the three is not expected to survive thaw, likely leaving us with only two to transfer anyway. So if we're being realistic, this leaves us with only one chance left and there will be no embryos remaining.

Sure, the one that isn't expected to survive just might. And if it does, we would still have one embryo on ice. That's great. But seeing how we only have time for one last cycle this year and we have already met our 2013 deductible, it would make sense to save that remaining embryo (if it survives) and start directing our funds in 2014 toward traditional adoption - which is not cheap whatsoever. We could try for a sibling with it down the road. But unfortunately we have time for only one more cycle attempt in 2013.

And on a side note, I also understand we may be more appealing to potential birth-parents if we don't have children yet, so perhaps it's all meant to work out this way. There's no question our family will be built of traditional adoption one way or another, and hopefully embryo adoption too - either now or in the future. The order in which it happens is in God's hands.

I'm still hanging onto hope that our upcoming FET will be a success. But for my own sanity, I have to be prepared for next steps in case it's not. Many people cope by taking time off and relaxing, but I need to be ready to open that next door the minute one closes or I'll go crazy. That's how I cope and that's who I am. When I am doing nothing is when I am the most depressed. And I'm so glad that we have a new, exciting (and somewhat terrifying) path to pursue. I am lucky to know Libby who has been an amazing cheerleader and knowledgeable friend throughout this struggle. I honestly don't even know where to start, but I'm already dipping my toes in the adoption waters. I've been reading books and researching agencies which is a big task in itself. Hopefully we will find an agency we feel good about and get the ball rolling in 2014 if the next cycle doesn't work for us.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.


45 comments:

  1. We are interested in adopting from the U.S. as well! (Although our Kenya is our first choice since both would be international adoption for us.) For me, one of the things I had to come to terms with was the idea of an open adoption, but you are already prepared for that!! I completed my photo book and if you do end up adopting, I would be glad to help you in any way I can.

    Either way, I am so excited to see what the future has in store for you :)

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    1. I have lurked around on your blog from time to time and saw your posts about a Kenyan adoption. I actually researched international adoption from the Congo as it interests me a LOT but after much discussion, we felt like domestic infant adoption was where to go next. I will probably need help along the way since it's venturing into a whole new world I'm completely unfamiliar with and I really appreciate the offer for help! :) That's very nice of you!

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  2. Oh hun... I am so so sorry. So many prayers are with you as you process and grieve. You will be such an amazing Mom, you're absolutely meant to parent a beautiful child so I'm glad that you have a plan and that it seems like the right plan for you. Huge (((HUGS))).

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    1. Thank you so much. Your words lift me up they really do. Thanks so much for the kindness and support on a day that it is really needed!

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  3. im sorry to read of your misfortune with this pregnancy but can hear the excitement in your "voice" as you look to the future and all the wonderful options that lie ahead. sending you lots of prayers and support for the good things that are sure to come..... from your fellow IVF'er in SC....

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    1. Thank you so much. One way or another, we will be parents. Or I will die trying. It will happen someday. :) Thanks so much for the kind words.

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  4. Hearing this update has filled me with sadness...I was holding out hope that things would turn around and that your beta has doubled. Please know that I am sending lots of love and hugs your way.

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    1. Thanks so much for the love and hugs and support. I know we will get through this. I appreciate your kind words so much.

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  5. Oh I'm sorry :( I'm glad you are able to console yourself with your future plans, it sounds like you are on a good path! Prayers!

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    1. Thank you for the prayers! I'm feeling good about the future.

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  6. Sending you love and prayers and faith that god has a higher plan for you. I'm so sorry this cycle didn't go as hoped but know that a lot of people are thinking of you and your husband and praying that the right path comes along for you soon. Xxx

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    1. Thank you so much for the kind words. I know God has a plan for me, it's just very discouraging in my finite little mind not understanding it right now. I know I'll find my faith once again. Thanks for the support.

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  7. You remain in our prayers. I just know God has a grander plan, and it will all come together so very soon for you. I have to ask though... has your doctor even mentioned the reason of the chemicals possibly being auto-immune related (not embryo)? I did a little research when I had mine, so it crossed my mind in this situation as well.

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    1. Thank you so much for the prayers. I know He has a plan too. as for the testing, I had a full RPL panel (and then some) done after my first loss to make sure I was going into FET #2 with confidence. We eliminated fear around autoimmune issues, and the only issues that came back were minor and treatable, like a single copy of MTHFR.

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  8. I'm sorry for your loss. I know exactly how it feels to go from embryo adoption to domestic adoption and it is very exciting. Let me know if you have any questions. We used Bethany Christian Services. And by the way, we were matched with our daughter within 5 weeks of being approved! =)

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    1. I'll be totally honest, you and your family has come to mind several times over the past few days as I've really dug into traditional adoption. You're an inspiration. :) Thank you for the encouragement.

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  9. So sorry to hear about this! God already knows who your children will be and excited to see how it all turns out!

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    1. I know He does. :) I can't wait to meet these little ones either.

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  10. Oh, Liz. :( I'm so so sorry. *hugs* You've been through so much.
    But it sounds like you guys have a good plan in place. You are going to be a wonderful Mom, I just know it! However that happens. And we'll all be cheering you on every step of the way! <3

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  11. Sending you peace and comforting thoughts during this time. This is a journey full of ups and downs, and hopefully it leads you to a good place either way. All the best on your future plans which it sounds like you have had back up plan after back up plan.

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  12. Sweet girl, I am so very sorry. There is a Michael McDonald song that has a line that I love...."The pain and ache... a heart can take...no one really knows." You are there. We are there with you. Hurting, fearing, hoping, trusting. Lainey Painey's Mom

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    1. Oh thank you so much. This brought tears to my eyes. The outpouring of support is overwhelming, and comforting. Thank you so much.

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  13. Liz I am so sorry. If you have any questions at all about domestic adoption let me know I have helped 10 couples connect with situations that brought them their children!! We also had a successful domestic adoption.

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    1. Thank you so much! I'm sure I will have questions. I'm trying to gather up my thoughts that are bouncing around my head and I'll probably post about them soon. Maybe you can answer some of my questions. I'm very overwhelmed by it, but it's exciting to potentially be venturing into something new.

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  14. Liz, I am so sorry this transfer is not the results you had hoped for. Though I've not experienced a miscarriage, I do understand how devastating it is to receive a negative beta result. Especially after all that you have been through, and also feeling like you may have let Libby down. But I am glad you have a plan in place. Two I guess. =) I'm happy that you are able to try another FET with adopted embryos when you are ready, and domestic adoption is a option for you too. For us, if embryo adoption does not work for us after 3 tries (NEDC only allows 3 attempts per baby), we will also pursue traditional adoption. Know that I will be following your journey and praying for whatever path God leads you to grow your family.

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    1. There is a part of me that feels like I let her down. But I know it's all in my head..she would never make me feel that way. I really hope that EA works for you - and for me...but I know one way or another we will have our children in our arms.

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  15. Liz, I am so sorry. I am grieving the loss of these little ones with you. My prayers will continue to be with you in whatever choices you make in the future. (((HUGS))) - Kelly

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    1. Thank you so much for the support, Kelly. You have been so kind to me throughout all of this. Thank you.

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  16. I am so sorry to learn of your miscarriage. I'm glad you have a good supporter in your friend Lizzie. I so get needing a back up plan to get you through this. I think it's healthy and important. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you so much. Yes, a backup plan has helped me immensely! I appreciate the kind words and hugs.

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  17. Liz, this breaks my heart. You are in my thoughts. I know how tough it is. I think it's great you are planning the next steps and I pray everything works out for a child for you guys. Big hugs.

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    1. Thanks so much. I do hope something works out for us one way or another. I appreciate the kind words and hugs.

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  18. I'm so sorry for your loss, Liz *big hugs* But, I'm so glad you have a such a great support team around you, especially with Libby by your side in a sense. It's wonderful to see the plan ahead and to look forward to what's to come!

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    1. Thanks, Candace. Hopefully one way or another we will have a baby. I appreciate the kind words and hugs.

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  19. I was the same way you were-I had to have a plan for next *just in case.* The worst for me was also the not doing anything and waiting. Either way God blesses with a take home baby - embryo or domestic adoption...it will be beyond wonderful and your heart will overflow with love.

    And FYI...it took me 3 embryo transfers with adopted embryos before I had a take home baby and it ended up being take home BABIES! Your third FET could be the charm too! :)

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    1. Perhaps we will be so lucky too! But I'm glad we have a just-in-case plan waiting for us. Thanks for the support!

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  20. I am so sorry that this didn't work out. Perhaps the 3rd time will be the charm and you won't have to move forward with domestic adoption until you are attempting a sibling. However, I completely understand readying yourself for the next steps. I also did much better when I wasn't just stagnating in the unknown.

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    1. Thank you so much. we sound a lot alike in how we cope!

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  21. your strength and attitude is amazing.. I am so sorry for your loss but I am praying that the next time is your take home baby.

    My friend is a adoption consultant for Faithful Adoption Consultants (http://www.faithfuladoptionconsultants.com) so much of my info I have gotten through her. We are not ready to pursue adoption but I am doing research on all forms of adoption and I think a consultant is worth considering. The wait time seems to be much much shorter than other avenues.

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    1. Your kind words mean more to me than you'll ever know! Thank you for the referral, I'm keeping all of this in a folder on my computer and I will check faithful adoption consultants out!

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  22. I am praying for you as you work through this time of loss.

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  23. I'm sorry to hear the beta results, but so glad to hear you are already making plans for going forward. It is always helpful to know what the next stage is going to be. Wishing you the best of luck.

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