Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Today is supposed to be V-day

Thanks to a cruel technical glitch on a board I regularly post on, my pregnancy ticker returned to my signature out of the blue.

Bam. 24 weeks. V-day. You should be 24 weeks pregnant today, Liz.

This is a celebrated day for the expecting mom-to-be. Why? Because at 24 weeks the baby is considered viable (i.e. V-Day.) If the baby is born after this 24 week point, life-saving efforts will be taken by doctors.

But as for me, I'm not pregnant anymore. And I'm not sure how long this kind of sadistic mourning is supposed to continue where I recognize what should be happening in my pregnancy, yet isn't because it's gone. Maybe I'll get some relief after my due date, Oct 30th, comes and goes. Today I'm reminded that I don't have a viable pregnancy, and never did. It really sucks. If you have suffered a miscarriage, please tell me if and when it got easier for these kinds of milestones to pass.

I just need my snowflakes to be loaded onto a plane headed for Texas already. I need to get this cycle moving so I have something wonderful to look forward to.

Tomorrow I find out about insurance appeal decision. And I learned yesterday that Libby's clinic FINALLY acknowledged they received the consent-to-ship form. I'm hoping my embryologist can touch base with her clinic and get the embryos on track to ship. Some progress - any progress, I'll take.

19 comments:

  1. How heartbreaking! I remember how all those terrible days of " I should be _______ today, instead my heart just got ripped out of my chest" we lost our baby nov 2010. It does get easier, but it takes a long time, at least for me it did. For me I had lots of friends who were prego at the same time and everytime I saw their FB and saw what they got to experience with their baby, it broke my heart, like a constant reminder of what I lost. God did bless us 1 month after my due date with a foster baby who next week will officially become my daughter!! Know I see that had we been able to keep our baby we never would've been able to take Elie in! God does have a plan! I know all to well it just really sucks right now while your in the thick of it, it will get better!! So happy you have the gift of more snowflakes coming your way SOON!! Hope this made you feel better and not worse :) praying for you today!!

    -crystal

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    1. :( It put me in a sour mood all morning yesterday. I think I do feel better now. It really does help for me to talk about it! I have friends who are pregnant and are about as far along as I would be. It really hurts to see their FB announcements and belly bumps. So hard. I am so happy that you have a happy ending and congrats on your adoption next week! So wonderful!

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  2. I am totally there with you. I was due October 28th and I was hit by thinking that in June we would be having an ultrasound that would let us know the baby's gender. Instead we got nothing. No ultrasound, no baby. I do wonder when it gets easier. I find myself becoming irrational to anybody who has a baby due in October but then I talk myself down and it's getting easier to talk myself down. It took 66 days for my period to return and it seemed like everybody on the message board I visit seemed to be moving on but I was stuck. Stuck is the worst place to be. Then in a cruel twist of fate, I had a chemical pregnancy in June. The chemical seems a lot easier than the miscarriage though because it was over so quickly and the doctors didn't have to get involved. That was nice. Here is hoping that we get our rainbow babies and we don't have to think that it will never happen for us!

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    1. Giant hugs, we should only be 2 days apart. I totally understand what you're saying. I am so sorry it took so long for your body to return to normal. that makes it even harder. And then to have a chemical, i am so sorry.

      praying for us both - rainbow babies in our future.

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  3. Wow what a cruel glitch :( I'm so sorry...I had an early miscarriage, so it was less life changing, I suppose, but for me, it did get better the farther I got from the milestones. I was blessed to get pregnant with my rainbow just weeks before my original due date, which definitely helped me though that particular day. I still get sad and think about it, especially when I see other babies born around that date, but the pain is less and I know my little one wouldn't be here if I hadn't had to go through that. I really hope the same works out for you and you have a snowflake or two around to ease the pain soon.

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    1. I am so glad to hear that you got pregnant before your due date. I pray I have the same luck because October is going to be a really hard month for me otherwise. I tear up just thinking about October 30th! I know it will all be worth it in the end, it's just so hard waiting when you don't know for sure the end is in sight. I appreciate the kind words, as always.

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  4. miscarriage momma here - and while it definitely DOES get easier, it's something that will never completely go away... but let it make you stronger, and make you a source of some of the best support for someone else who may be going through something similar...

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    1. Thank you for sharing! I know it will get easier, and I hope as I do get stronger (which some days I definitely do NOT feel strong) I can help others.

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  5. {{{Liz}}} I am so sorry that that happened to you today. What an awful glitch. Praying for you, dear friend.

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  6. That's a heartbreaking glitch! I have a 1.5 year-old followed by two losses, one second trimester and one earlier (~5-6 weeks, earlier this year with the same due date as yours). For me, time has made things easier, as has a new pregnancy. We cycled again immediately after our loss this past February and are now ~17 weeks. For both losses it DID get easier with moving on. I imagine it's much harder for you since you are in this waiting game for insurance approval and embryo shipment, but hope that you experience lifting of the grief with your next cycle...or sooner. Hang in there...

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    1. I am so glad you shared. And congratulations on your pregnancy and LO. I know it will get easier, and like you said, I think that once I'm out of this waiting game I'll be able to focus on the positive again. Thanks for the encouragement.

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  7. Hugs. What a terrible glitch!

    ...when we lost Masyn, it didn't get easier for me for quite some time. I think that maybe I'm a little different than a lot of people though because I just couldn't move on to TTC again until my Masyn pregnancy would have been over. I don't know why, but I just couldn't at that time.
    Looking back, it seems like it made my grief worse....

    I don't know.... Time made it easier to deal with and dulled the pain.

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    1. Thanks so much for commenting! Yesterday morning TB did some upgrade and it brought back everyone's signatures from March. Ugh...you probably missed it since it was only screwed up for a few hours but I guess I wasn't alone in having a ticker come back for a loss. :(

      I am so glad you were able to move on and have your beautiful LOs now.

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  8. After the due date, it gets a bit easier. Actually, it progressively gets easier the whole time, just the actual due date is really hard. I couldn't go to work the day our twins were due. But then this year, with a new pregnancy, their due date came and went (well, not really, being as they were due 2/29 and this wasn't a leap year) without tears. I still remember them often and look forward to meeting them... sometimes I cry over them... but it does get easier.

    *hugs*

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    1. I didn't realize your due date was 2/29. I can imagine how hard that would have been, big hugs. I'm glad to hear it does get easier, but I imagine that you're right and it never fully goes away. I always have her magnolia tree and statue in my backyard to remember her. I'll never forget.

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  9. *big squishy hugs* I'm so sorry that happened to you. :( I agree with the other ladies, it does get easier over time, but occasionally the big milestones will really kick your butt. Just be kind to yourself. I recommend chocolate, but whatever your go-to for comfort is. <3

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    1. Thanks so much. I appreciate the kind words. MMMM chocolate.

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  10. I hope you get those embabies soon. It definitely does help to move on. My should be due date would be August 23rd coming up. I hardly think about it anymore now that we have 2 new little ones on board.

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