Well, I’m in a "down" right now.
Over the weekend, the culmination of all of the recent events took its toll on me. From Nadia’s overwhelming diabetes diagnosis to these ridiculous incompetencies by both the insurance and the donor clinic, I’m just completely spent. We didn't think it would unfold like this. And of course, I never thought life would unfold like this.
I can tell I am not myself right now. Everything, and sometimes everyone, irritates me. And nothing can make me happy. If I can vent for a moment, the missionaries from my church are being obnoxiously persistent in trying to make me go to church by calling/stopping by/texting. It’s borderline stalker level and it makes me want to have nothing to do with my church. I’m also on-call for work this entire week, including the holiday, which means little to no sleep. I’m overwhelmed in the task of educating myself on our new world of managing feline diabetes. Honestly, I just want to snap at anyone who crosses me.
I've realized that when nothing is moving along, I start thinking a lot about our miscarriage and I start feeling sad about it. Especially when I start thinking about how far along I am supposed to be at that precise moment. For example, today I should be 22w5d. Kevin and I should be gleefully planning and preparing a nursery. We should almost be at V-day.
But we’re not.
I’m waiting. I’m stalled, I’m stuck. I’m mad. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m frustrated.
I just want our family already. This is so hard on so many levels. I know it’s been hard on Kevin too.
I’m praying there is some positive progress being made on the horizon and I can get some good news soon.
Until then, I’m almost back to where I started. With no baby, no cycle calendar, no insurance preauthorization, no embryos shipped, a sick cat, a sad husband.
I’m still frustratingly infertile.