Monday, July 1, 2013

Backwards

I've not been a cheerful and optimistic blogger lately. When I started this blog, I promised I’d be honest in my feelings no matter what because I think it’s important to be real as I move through this daunting and difficult process. Real life has it's ups and down.

Well, I’m in a "down" right now.

Over the weekend, the culmination of all of the recent events took its toll on me. From Nadia’s overwhelming diabetes diagnosis to these ridiculous incompetencies by both the insurance and the donor clinic, I’m just completely spent. We didn't think it would unfold like this. And of course, I never thought life would unfold like this.

I can tell I am not myself right now. Everything, and sometimes everyone, irritates me. And nothing can make me happy.  If I can vent for a moment, the missionaries from my church are being obnoxiously persistent in trying to make me go to church by calling/stopping by/texting. It’s borderline stalker level and it makes me want to have nothing to do with my church. I’m also on-call for work this entire week, including the holiday, which means little to no sleep.  I’m overwhelmed in the task of educating myself on our new world of managing feline diabetes. Honestly, I just want to snap at anyone who crosses me.

I've realized that when nothing is moving along, I start thinking a lot about our miscarriage and I start feeling sad about it. Especially when I start thinking about how far along I am supposed to be at that precise moment.  For example, today I should be 22w5d. Kevin and I should be gleefully planning and preparing a nursery.  We should almost be at V-day.

But we’re not.

I’m waiting. I’m stalled, I’m stuck. I’m mad. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m frustrated.

I'm baby-less.

I just want our family already. This is so hard on so many levels. I know it’s been hard on Kevin too.

I’m praying there is some positive progress being made on the horizon and I can get some good news soon.

Until then, I’m almost back to where I started. With no baby, no cycle calendar, no insurance preauthorization, no embryos shipped, a sick cat, a sad husband.

I’m still frustratingly infertile.

12 comments:

  1. :*-( I just want to give you such a hug right now. I know it doesn't help, but I'm sorry this is such hell. Here is the only think I can think to say, it's something someone told me during my IF journey...I apologize if it in any way upsets you or makes you angry...

    Your baby is meant to be born at a certain time. A certain sperm, a certain egg, a certain time they are supposed to meet. I wanted another baby so badly, but now that I have him I realize he was meant to be here and that was only made possible by all that waiting.

    I don't compare my struggle to yours, not at all, but that idea brought me a little comfort, so I hoped maybe it would to you too. I know it doesn't help, we want things now, yesterday, you should have had it years ago. But I pray that someday the pieces will fall into place and you'll have that baby and know why you had to wait.

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    1. This is very sweet of you to say. I really do appreciate the encouragement. I think I feel a little better today. :) I don't know what I'd do without you ladies!

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    2. Im glad you are feeling a little better. We're here for you!

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  2. I'm so sorry you're in a "down". I wish I had magical words that would make you feel better or there was something I could do to help. I'm keeping you in my prayers and sending hugs your way!

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  3. ugh, I'm so so sorry you're struggling right now ((hugs))

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  4. I'm so sorry things aren't going your way. Hoping they turn around for you soon! ((hugs))

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  5. Mourning is natural. Every person needs to mourn in his or her own way. Prayers!

    Also, the BC pill they put me on for my cycle made me crazy and depressed. I hated it! I was so glad to be off of it!

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    1. Thanks! Yeah, I hate it too but I'm glad to be doing something! :)

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  6. We all have these down days once in awhile, especially when we have so mic on the line. I'm glad you have taken the time to vent. That's what we are here for! Hopefully things are looking up by now.

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