Tuesday, April 9, 2013

What is on my mind?

What to update today? Hmm....Maybe I'll just do a brain dump of what I've been thinking about lately.

I'm doing okay. I really am. I am surprised at how well I am doing, actually. I'm not sure what I thought these days would look like. Maybe crying from morning to night? Well, I'm not doing that so I think I'm okay! I bet much of this goes back to the fact that we were dangled over the miscarriage cliff for so long before actually falling that we knew what was going to happen and processed much of it ahead of time. You're never ready to lose your baby, especially one that you've begged and pleaded with God for for so long. But I've learned that you can definitely come to terms with it as the process unfolds and even grieve while you're still pregnant.

It's still very hard to talk about everything with well-meaning friends and family since it is still so raw and fresh. Kevin and his mom finally talked about it yesterday after a long silence. Most of our friends have reached out with kind words and offers to lend an ear. We appreciate the show of care so much, but still know it's too soon. I know time will change that, but for now we are healing. I'm really glad I have this blog! Sometimes I write with tears streaming down my face but it feels like a healing outlet for me to get it all out. I know that many of you "get it" where as unfortunately so many in real life just don't. And I don't blame them. How could they understand without walking this horrific road themselves? I've also learned that there are things that others experience that I will never understand either. The best thing we can all do is acknowledge that we can't understand another's pain fully but love and care for that person regardless.

It seems that physically I'm healing pretty well from the D&C also. I still have some minor spotting, but nothing like it was a week ago.

I still miss my baby and the dreams of who she'd be, but I know history is written for us and baby Maggie not being here on earth is just how it is. Ask me how I feel tomorrow, and that might totally change. But today I'm doing okay with it all.

And for whatever reason I took a pregnancy test this morning and only an incredibly faint line showed. It was so faint that I could barely tell it was there. It was similar to the line I got on the night of 5dp5dt. So I bet my beta has dropped to below 10 now, which is great news as far as moving on is concerned. I never thought I'd actually want to see a negative pregnancy test! I have my post D&C follow-up on Friday and hopefully the OB says everything looks on track and we can cycle again in a few months when we get more embryos.

I will never forget my baby Maggie and she will always be a part of our family. I came across an excellent article yesterday about how to honor a child born straight to heaven in Standing Still Magazine: Embracing Life after loss and infertility. I thought some of these ideas were excellent and wanted to share in case any readers who have experienced loss have been considering ways to honor their child.

  • Plant a garden (in your front/back yard or community)
  • Release beautiful Sky Lanterns in their memory on a special day
  • Make a memory Shadow Box
  • Take memorial pictures at cemetery or cremation site or with urn
  • Make a scrapbook / photo scrapbook of items worn/used or bought for child
  • Make or buy a piece of jewelry (bracelet, necklace, ring) with your child’s name and date
  • Get a Tattoo of your child (name, photo, date)
  • Take photos of something in nature that help you feel closer to your angel (light, butterflies, flowers, dragonflies, etc…)
  • Make a charitable contribution in your child’s name to your favorite charity or organization
  • Collect Soy Jar Candles with scents that remind you of your child
  • Create a place in your home for your child’s special things
  • Purchase and name a crater on the moon after your child
  • Name a star after your child (unofficial, but still cool)
  • Start a charity or non-profit to help others in your situation
  • Keep a blog and write your heart. You can even make it private if you don’t feel comfortable sharing your journey with others
  • Do a balloon release on their special dates, or any day
  • Participate in March of Dimes walk in their name
  • Speak to your hospital about starting or being involved with the bereavement support program available
  • Create or order a custom piece of jewelry with their name on it, and possibly charms that remind you of them
  • Order a Molly Bear
  • Get a custom portrait done (available for babies at any age)
  • Plant a tree
  • Donate memory boxes to your local hospital
  • Donate to a local charity in their name, like Ronald McDonald House or March of Dimes
  • Do a butterfly release
  • Take a creative Photography course
  • Order a Certificate of Life
  • Miscarriage Certificates of Life (UK)
  • Speak their name to anyone willing to listen
  • Find your muchness with this 30 Day Challenge
  • Celebrate their birthday, in a big or small way, whatever you might feel comfortable with
  • Collect little things here and there that remind you of them
  • Write a letter to them
  • Take a creative writing course, or just start writing
  • Send notes on helium balloons to them
  • Order a customized candle or Guardian Angel bottle for them


  1. Thinking of you! I am glad you are feeling a bit better over all. You are still in my prayers.

  2. Continuing to keep you in my prayers.

  3. Praying for you!

    We did build-a-bears for our twins. Then I decided to make them quilts so that we could snuggle up with them. It was very healing for me to do... and a great way for me (a quilter) to commemorate my twins.

    We were ordering apple trees last fall and we noticed that there were both Freedom and Liberty apples. Those were our twins names! So we ordered them... they will be coming after the thaw. I love that you planted a tree for Maggie. And the angel is a great touch.

    You will never stop thinking about Maggie. But that's a good thing. She's in heaven with your mom... not suffering at all.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that everyone deals differently... these are just some of the things that I do to deal.

    1. Aww, I especially loved the bear idea on the list from today's post and I love that you made a build a bear. The quilt idea is so sweet too! I haven't completely decided what to do, but I still love our special tree outside. It's wonderful that there's a growing representation of our angel babies to look at. And you're right, Maggie is in heaven with God. So are your precious twins safe and warm watching over us. I appreciate your sweet posts, Malia.

  4. I recall feeling better after our loss than during it. While not as painfully long as yours, we were in a holding pattern waiting to see if our baby would make it. When it was over, I actually felt a little better. It reminded me of the Bible story of David's son. While he was sick, David weeped and mourned and put on sackcloth, etc. When he leaned the child had died, he got dressed and worshiped The Lord. It was kind of like that. Knowing the baby had died (ours passed naturally) was better than wondering and waiting.
    That's not to say its not painful. My would-be due date just passed and I spent the week mourning for the baby that should have been in my arms. I still don't know why God allowed us to be dragged through that - or allowed you to be dragged that. Maybe we never will. But I still put my trust in God's providence for our families.
    You are in my prayers for comfort in this time of grief.

    1. Chelle, I'm so sorry about hitting the anniversary. This is something I dread SO much. I can only imagine how you feel having just gone through that date. I appreciate that you understand the feeling of grief during the pregnancy. There has been so much relief in the "knowing" and not wondering and waiting and hoping anymore. I wish the outcome were different, but since it's not, I'm glad we just know now. Thank you so much for the kind words and prayers. I will keep you in my prayers as well.

  5. I am thinking of you. You are such an incredibly strong woman and I thank you so much for sharing your story and I truly hope you get your happy ending soon.

    1. I appreciate the kind words more than you'll ever know. Thank you so much for being so sweet and uplifting.

  6. Liz, I am still praying for you and Kevin, that the Lord will continue to heal your hearts while still keeping Maggie's memory forever ingrained in your heart. Many blessings to you both. - Kelly

    1. Thank you so much. I feel the healing, God is listening. I appreciate it.

  7. these are great ideas and I know you will find the ones that work best for you! you have done such a good job taking care of yourself!!

  8. Glad to hear you and Kevin are healing. It took me a full week before I could talk to my MIL, but only because I couldn't handle her grief in addition to my own at the time. She understood. Thinking of you!

  9. Those are wonderful ideas. Thanks for sharing them.

    I'm glad you're doing well -- by which I mean letting yourself feel whatever you're feeling, whether it's grief, hope, or both at the same time. I remember those mood swings well, and still have them sometimes. All normal.

  10. That's such a great list of ideas.

    I'm glad you're doing well. It's okay to be okay, just like it's okay to not be okay, too.