What to update today? Hmm....Maybe I'll just do a brain dump of what I've been thinking about lately.
I'm doing okay. I really am. I am surprised at how well I am doing, actually. I'm not sure what I thought these days would look like. Maybe crying from morning to night? Well, I'm not doing that so I think I'm okay! I bet much of this goes back to the fact that we were dangled over the miscarriage cliff for so long before actually falling that we knew what was going to happen and processed much of it ahead of time. You're never ready to lose your baby, especially one that you've begged and pleaded with God for for so long. But I've learned that you can definitely come to terms with it as the process unfolds and even grieve while you're still pregnant.
It's still very hard to talk about everything with well-meaning friends and family since it is still so raw and fresh. Kevin and his mom finally talked about it yesterday after a long silence. Most of our friends have reached out with kind words and offers to lend an ear. We appreciate the show of care so much, but still know it's too soon. I know time will change that, but for now we are healing. I'm really glad I have this blog! Sometimes I write with tears streaming down my face but it feels like a healing outlet for me to get it all out. I know that many of you "get it" where as unfortunately so many in real life just don't. And I don't blame them. How could they understand without walking this horrific road themselves? I've also learned that there are things that others experience that I will never understand either. The best thing we can all do is acknowledge that we can't understand another's pain fully but love and care for that person regardless.
It seems that physically I'm healing pretty well from the D&C also. I still have some minor spotting, but nothing like it was a week ago.
I still miss my baby and the dreams of who she'd be, but I know history is written for us and baby Maggie not being here on earth is just how it is. Ask me how I feel tomorrow, and that might totally change. But today I'm doing okay with it all.
And for whatever reason I took a pregnancy test this morning and only an incredibly faint line showed. It was so faint that I could barely tell it was there. It was similar to the line I got on the night of 5dp5dt. So I bet my beta has dropped to below 10 now, which is great news as far as moving on is concerned. I never thought I'd actually want to see a negative pregnancy test! I have my post D&C follow-up on Friday and hopefully the OB says everything looks on track and we can cycle again in a few months when we get more embryos.
I will never forget my baby Maggie and she will always be a part of our family. I came across an excellent article yesterday about how to honor a child born straight to heaven in Standing Still Magazine: Embracing Life after loss and infertility. I thought some of these ideas were excellent and wanted to share in case any readers who have experienced loss have been considering ways to honor their child.