What is the purpose of prayer? It is a genuine question that I have done a lot of thinking about and I'm not quite sure I understand why I do it anymore.
If God has a plan for me, then why would He alter it just because I asked Him to through prayer? If His plan is for our baby to die, what difference will my begging and pleading make? What is the point?
In hindsight, His plan was to take my mom to heaven. We prayed for her heath, for her not to suffer. Yet she suffered greatly then died despite our pleas. That was apparently His plan.
I have prayed for peace through our infertility, yet it has been the hardest thing we've ever endured. We have suffered so greatly and in a way that even our most caring loved ones can't even begin to understand.
I prayed that the doctors were wrong about my DOR diagnosis. They weren't.
I prayed that IVF would work for us in 2012. It didn't.
I prayed all of our embryos would survive after thaw so we'd have options in case our transfer failed. Two died and only one remains. It could very well die at thaw too after spending thousands of dollars, many injections, and months to prepare my body to receive it.
I have prayed for both Kevin and I to have peace and comfort during this excruciating time as we likely lose this precious baby who we went to enormous lengths to have. Yet we have not received peace or comfort. We are broken beyond words. I have prayed for reassuring betas, ultrasounds, appointments. They don't happen. We get a glimmer of hope only to have it yanked away. It just feels like one blow after another.
I'm praying I don't start bleeding at work, or at the grocery store, or sitting in traffic. But is this the next step in His plan for me? Am I supposed to learn something from enduring even more trauma?
If it is His will for this baby to die and for us to suffer, what is the point of my prayers?