This is going to be a very negative blog post. I am in a bad place emotionally. So if you're not in a space to hear negativity, you may want to skip this one. The reason I started this blog is to be a place for others going through similar situations to know they aren't alone. I'm going to be real in expressing how I feel throughout the whole process, and right now I feel defeated and I need to post about it. And no matter how much people tell me to relax, it's a simple fact: I can't. Believe me, I am trying with all of my heart, mind, and soul. This baby is my child. I am her mother. I have now been told that this child of mine who I have spent countless days praying for, immense amounts of money spent on, dozens of needles painfully plunged into my stomach and back to make, endless nights dreaming of....she very well could be ripped away. She could die. I am her mother. Any mother worries for the life of her child. I cannot replace her, so course I'm worried and I can't relax. It is beyond my control.
I have read too many stories about betas not doubling properly and slowing down. I see women post on forums and blog about it all the time. I see these women's cheerleaders and friends telling them it will be okay and that there's nothing to worry about. Then I see them post later that they've miscarried. I am hungry for data and hungry for knowledge. I always have been, that's part of who I am. But I have absorbed way too much data and knowledge along the way and I know way too much for my own good. Non-doubling numbers are not a good sign. I can't put my head in the sand no matter how much I try.
I hardly slept last night, and after my husband left for work I had a good cry. Then I got on my knees and prayed. I was honest with God today. This is extremely faith challenging for me. I am angry that this is not easy. If this does not work out, I will feel played with. If it's destined to not work out, why take me this far? Why? I would feel abandoned by Him. I am being honest, but in the past few years I have prayed for miracles for the things that matter most to me (like my Mom to survive) and those miracles did not happen. At least they didn't happen how I imagined they should.
I know what you all are thinking, and of course the sane part of me is thinking this too. God is in control. God knows what is best for me. God has a plan. But my greatest fear is that it is in God's plan for this to fail. Maybe he wants me to learn something through all of it. Isn't that what most of our failures in life are about? And in hindsight, most of my failures turned out to be blessings. I'm sure even a the loss of our child would be no different. There would be some silver lining I'm sure. I just can't possibly see what it could be at this point, I can't connect the dots. I honestly can't see how I'd heal. I would, but I can't make sense of it right now.
My husband is an incredible man. He has been my rock and I can't believe how lucky I am to have him. He has been worried sick too but has been scouring the internet looking for hopeful stories to counteract the tragic ones I have immersed myself with over the past few years. And it has given me hope, of course. I'd be a fool to lose hope at this point of the game. He said that by this time next week we should have answers. He's always been right when he says stuff like that and I'm sure he's right here too. This time next week we should have answers.
As far as our ultrasound goes, my nurse says I can have my ultrasound this Thursday with my actual RE or this Friday with only the nurse. The RE only comes to our office location every Thursday because it's only a satellite office. Thursday will put me at 6w1d and Friday will be 6w2d. I'm leaning toward Friday but would love to hear your thoughts. I don't want to go in way too early because we might not see something when we could have if we had just waited a day. Also, doing it on Friday gives me the weekend to decompress if we get some kind of bad news.
I'm also a little disheartened about getting incorrect information from my doctor's office. First, I don't think I mentioned this since my beta #2 post but they gave me the wrong beta number for beta #2! I was emailed the results I know it was not my mistake in hearing it. It said it was 294. This put my doubling rate at 44 hours. Well, I get the lab results in my email from the lab and a few days later I saw the results myself. 249. That changed the doubling time to 50 hours. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it frustrates me.
I'm also having issues getting our FET claim properly processed. I have had to call and follow up over nine times already because my insurance is not showing it as submitted. The billing person assured me last Wednesday that it was submitted to the insurance but I have yet to have the insurance company say they've received it. I'm ready to scream about this because we have an HSA and our FET amount hitting insurance will make us exceed our yearly deductible. This means all other health costs, infertility related or not, will be covered at 85%. Until that deductible is met, everything, infertility or not is out of pocket. We've actually met that deductible, but until the insurance company registers that, we continue to pay out of pocket needlessly for EVERYTHING. I'm super stressed, everyone. I am not fun to be around and I'm sure of it is amplified by my bad beta yesterday.
Thanks for the continued thoughts and prayers. This has been so hard. Please pray for my baby and pray for us to have peace.