Thursday, March 14, 2013

I'm just sad

After yesterday's ultrasound, we held onto some hope for a while. But after Kevin got home from work we really got to talking about it, and we we came to real terms with the possibility of this ending badly. We came to terms with the fact that there's a very good chance this will be a blighted ovum miscarriage. We talked realistically about next steps. Those of you who have been through a blighted ovum miscarriage before I'm sure have been thinking the same thing and maybe just haven't been willing to say it, and I appreciate helping us stay optimistic. But we know too much at this point. Sure, we can and will hold onto hope for a miracle but the reality is that we are already at 7 weeks with just an empty sac AND betas that aren't doubling properly. Next week should finally give us answers, but I'm afraid of what those answers will be. But at least we will have answers, there is some relief in that. I can't begin to describe the emotional turmoil this has put us through. We have never been through something so horrific in our lives. We just need answers and to get out of this gray area.

We are praying for a miracle, but the truth is, I can feel that we are both working through the stages of acceptance that this may not be it for us. And today I'm just really sad, weepy, and depressed.

Last night, I had a dream that my mom was comforting me through this. I wonder if it was really her.

Thanks for listening. Please continue to pray for a miracle for us.

30 comments:

  1. I know that many of us have been in this position or similar to this one. Some have turned out good and some bad. I guess there is no way of really knowing. I had perfectly doubling betas, gestational sac, yolk sac, and heartbeat for one day and then we lost our baby. I have a friend right now that is going through almost exactly the same thing as you. She will have her u/s this afternoon.

    I know this sounds so cliche, but the only thing you can truly do is prepare for the worst outcome, but hope for the best.

    I am sorry you are going through this. I told my husband that the tww to find out if we were pregnant had nothing on the time waiting to see what is going to happen on an ultrasound. Some of our most stressful moments.

    You have done everything as a mother possible to make this pregnancy a success.

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    1. I know, that just breaks my heart how much pain these situations cause. I hope your friend had good news at her u/s. And I wholeheartedly agree. The 2ww has NOTHING on this. Nothing. Thank you for the kind words.

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  2. So sorry that you're sad. Hope that this pregnancy still works out for you.

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  3. I would think that the not knowing would be the hardest part. Praying that next week you get a definitive answer and can move forward either in this pregnancy or with your next steps. But mostly praying for your little one to grow, grow, grow!!!!

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    1. Me too. I pray it's a positive answer, but we just need answers. This is such an awful, dark place to be right now. My heart feels like it's ripping from my body.

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  4. It IS so hard. I haven't been through a blighted ovum, but I have been through 3 miscarriages, all of which were conceived via IVF. It's so hard to be waiting in the balance....I always felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am praying for you to find some peace. This isn't fair at all and I don't blame you at all for being cautiously optimistic. It's your way of protecting your heart. I wish I had some great words of wisdom.... I've always felt that it's hard enough to go through IVF, let alone lose a baby that was conceived via IVF. I't's like a double whammy....a double slap in the face. I am SO SORRY. :(

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    1. I am so incredibly sorry for your losses. You are right that this feels like an extra slap to the face. I am not at all minimizing miscarriages for women who have had children "naturally" but there is an extra cruel component to this for us since we can't just have a roll in the hay and have another pregnancy. We will be back to square one. Childless with little hope. :( It's just not fair. Thank you so much for your kind words and I can't believe how hard this has to be.

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  5. Praying for you!

    I know that I've said this before, but it's not uncommon for a FET to mature more slowly than a live transfer or a fertile person's pregnancy.

    The waiting is the hardest part. Maybe it's good that you are allowing yourselves to grieve now... then if the worst happens you may already be through a bit of the grieving. I've had a chemical pregnancy and miscarried twins. After we lost the first twin, I was heartbroken, but I never thought we'd lose the other as well. It may have hit me less hard if I were preparing myself... I don't know. Miscarriages are always hard. Godspeed.

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    1. Thanks, Malia. The only issue with the FET frozen theory is that ours is WAY slower than even normal FETs should be. Massively slower. And secondly, these were thawed as 2PN zygotes and grew for four days. Everything I read says that they should behave like fresh embryos. I've tried consoling myself with the frozen theory, but we just don't even fall into that world very well either. :(

      I think it's good that we are getting prepared. I feel like we don't even have a choice. I'm trying to stay positive, but each day has presented itself completely different from the one before it. I can't believe how sad I am today. Who knows how I will feel tomorrow...or the day after that. I am just rolling with the punches, and I feel like it will all work itself out one way or another.

      I am so incredibly sorry for your losses, Malia. I am so happy about your success now with miss wiggler. :)

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  6. Thinking of you. The waiting and not knowing is one of the hardest parts of infertility. Prayers for all of you!

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  7. I hope that next week will bring better results, one way or another, so you can either move forward with this pregnancy or be able to grieve and move on. I've been through a miscarriage with several early ultrasound worries. I know what you are going through and feel your pain. Hang in there.

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    1. Thanks so much. I am sorry for your loss. I never knew I could feel like this, and my heart hurts for any woman who has been through the same. I appreciate your kind words.

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  8. *big squishy hugs* I really hope you get some answers soon. I want this so much for you guys! <3

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  9. The waiting and unknown are the hardest parts of infertility/pregnancy (even when the pregnancy is going well)... Praying for you as you continue to wait. (((HUGS)))

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  10. of course it was really her! that what moms are for - no matter what! i am so sorry you guys are dealing with this - i have never been through a blighted ovum and dont totally understand what it is or how you will know. all i know is that you both seem like a very loving mom and dad just waiting for you baby - i hope that comes soon! xoxo

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    1. I really think it was too, because I had something else happen yesterday afternoon that made me think she was near as well. Thank you for the kind words. I pray for the same for you too *hug*

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  11. I remember when I got pregnant for the second time, expecting the worst and hoping it would turn out differently, was such a unique form of torture. I'm sorry you're facing this uncertainty. I'm still holding out lots of hope for you, and sending many good thoughts your way.

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    1. I've never been through something so awful before in my life. Torture is on the right track for sure. Thank you so much for holding out hope and the good thoughts!

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  12. I've been there too. It sucks so much to be hoping for the best and trying to brace yourself for the worst at the same time. It's such a fine line to walk. I'll be thinking of you.

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    1. It's so awful, thank you for understanding and the kind words.

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  13. I've been thinking of you! My hubby & I are in the same boat as you right now. At my ultrasound yesterday I am 7w, but the 2 (might be sacs) are measuring at 4.5w & 5w. Next u/s is Monday and I just don't know what to think. My RE wanted to give up yesterday, but is allowing us to have the u/s on Monday. I just keep questioning 'isn't it possible to just have slow starters?' Why can't they turn out to be ok?

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    1. I am so sorry to hear this. I pray that your ultrasound tomorrow shows some wonderful news. Please keep me posted. *hugs* I am sorry we are both in this position. It's a living hell. :(

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  14. I'm so sorry, Liz. Waiting definitely sucks especially when you're hanging in limbo. I'm hoping for good news on your next ultrasound though it sounds like you've been preparing for the worst. I'll be thinking of you guys.

    It was definitely your mom coming to visit. When Steve went through a really sad period of his life after his best friend passed away, he read a lot of books about mediums and they all say that those who have crossed over talk to us in our dreams. She's with you guys all the way.

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    1. Thanks for the kind words. We are very much prepared for the worst at this point. :(

      My mom's song came on the radio two times in the past two days and I haven't heard it in months. I think that might be another sign? I've been in the worst place emotionally and it only makes sense that she'd want to come by and comfort me so I'm going to think she is too. :)

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