I got beta #3 back yesterday: 580. So here's what we have so far:
Beta #1 @ 11dp5dt-93
Beta #2 @ 14dp5dt - 249 Doubling 50.67 hrs
Beta #3 @ 17dp5dt - 580 Doubling 59.02 hrs
I was really hoping for a mind blowing third beta to finally put my mind at ease, yet this wasn't quite it. However it certainly is still within the normal 48-72 hour doubling range. I realize my traumatized and scarred mental state (thank you, infertility) is forcing me make up bad news at every turn even where there isn't any! In fact when I first got this beta, my first reaction was heartbroken. What the heck? I don't know what I was looking for. But in hindsight, I don't there there was a number high enough that would have made me happy and giddy. But my reaction taught me a lot about the need to really let go of this obsession over these numbers. I have a fourth beta on Monday. Let's see if I can really let go. I'm praying for peace like you wouldn't believe.
I always thought that things would get easier after that BFP. I thought that finally the fear and anxiety would be lifted and I could be normal for once. I'm actually surprised at how this has all felt to me. I really want to enjoy being pregnant like everyone keeps telling me to, but despite this, I'm living in fear. If I can't shake this in the next couple of days/weeks, I might need to go talk to a therapist to try to sort it out. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the events of 2011 and infertility itself. I just want to be freed from it already. It feels like fertiles get to just pee on a stick, see a BFP and live blissfully and happily ever after until their ultrasound. Many might not even know what a beta is. But the betas are getting the best of me right now and it's not good.