Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Anxious for tomorrow

There's really not any big update but I figured I'd type something up this morning.

We are anxious awaiting tomorrow morning's ultrasound appointment. The OB said last Wednesday that he'd be able to call this pregnancy viable or not at tomorrow's appointment. I'm terrified and somewhat relieved all at the same time. However, one thing I've really come to realize is I need proof beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's not viable for me to really believe it and take action. I'm beyond terrified of miscarrying naturally especially this late in the game at 9 weeks. I've read way too many accounts of how that process physically and emotionally goes and I don't think I can do it for a whole array of reasons. For one, I am terrified of seeing the baby come out. I couldn't even see my mom's body after she died because I wanted to remember her in her living state and I have no regrets about that. This feels similar to me. But on the flip side, I know I can't do a D&C without 110% knowing that it was already over either. It's such a delicate path to walk and either choice will have implications for the rest of my life.

Every minor cramp or twinge I have makes me immediately wonder if this is the beginning of the end. I have no idea what my hcg levels are doing since we aren't going to take anymore (according to the RE) so for all I know they are dropping. It's crazy where your mind goes to when you're going through this. But in reality, I've only had really minor cramping and no spotting whatsoever.

I don't want to sound completely doom and gloom and I am still hanging onto a glimmer of hope for a miracle heartbeat tomorrow. It does happen in miracle cases. I mean, the truth is that the OB DID see a fetal pole last week so the next step should be a heartbeat. But we are braced for either outcome. And we are even braced for having to wait some more if that's what it takes. But every day brings us closer to knowing where this will ultimately take this.

For certain I can say Kevin and I both love this baby more than anything and whether or not our snowflake baby is born here on earth or born straight to heaven, this will never change. I've been thinking a lot about the song the young mother would sing to her child in  "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch. This was a cherished book my mom used to read to me when I was small and brings tears to my eyes whenever I think about it, as you can imagine:
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

37 comments:

  1. I love that book! I am saying an extra prayer for you today. I hope that your US tomorrow reveals a heartbeat!

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  2. Hoping for the best possible outcome tomorrow.

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    1. Thank you so much, I appreciate it immensely.

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  3. I too love that book!

    I hope tomorrow goes well and that heart beat is so strong that is leaves no doubts!

    Good luck

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    1. Lets hope and pray, wouldn't that be incredible? :) Thank you

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  4. Praying for good news! What a roller coaster you have been on! It's time for some happy news!!!

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    1. Thank you so much! It's been the rollercoaster ride absolutely through hell. :( I just want off already! Thanks for the kind words.

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  5. That's an awesome book. Praying for you and Kevin! I can't imagine what you're going through!

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  6. Liz, I'm praying praying praying for peace and joy for you both. -Kelly

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  7. Sending T&Ps through tomorrow for you and and Kevin!

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  8. Praying and anxiously awaiting news...

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    1. Thanks so much. I'll post whatever the outcome is.

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  9. What a well written post. Praying hard that you receive great news tomorrow!

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  10. Thinking of you and hoping beyond hope for fabulous news tomorrow!

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  11. I'm praying for good news tomorrow. I also wanted to let you know that when I had my miscarriage, both my husband and I wanted to make ABSOLUTELY sure before the D&C procedure. We asked the doctor to double check before I actually went to surgery. While it was sad to see no heartbeat and no growth, we both felt much better about it having the procedure done. I'm just hoping that you will have more growth and a heartbeat tomorrow and you don't even have to go there.

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    1. Thank you so much. Yes, that's all I'm asking for. If this is not God's will for this baby to survive, I just need absolute certainty that this is what happened before doing a D&C. I will wait as long as it takes until we have that certainty, but I know I'll need it.

      I hope you're right and it won't even be necessary. :)

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  12. Just thinking of you and hoping for peace tomorrow, no matter the outcome

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  13. I love that book, too. Good luck tomorrow!

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  14. Praying you have peace either way this goes. Really hoping you have closure by tomorrow one way or another!

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  15. I love that book and it always makes me cry! Been thinking about you a LOT lately and I know I'll be thinking about you tomorrow. I hope that you get good news tomorrow and get to stay on this "roller coaster" called parenthood for a long, long time! big hugs!

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    1. Aww, Vicky thank you. I will stay on this rollercoaster ride as long as I need to for this baby. I hope that it's a long long ride (for years and years and years) until my dying day too. :) Thanks for the hugs and the kind thoughts.

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  16. I hope tomorrow brings good news and that you don't have to face some horrible decision.

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  17. Thinking of you and sending happy and hopeful thoughts and prayers your way.

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