Monday, March 11, 2013

I'm upset

I am still angry about what happened to us on Friday. It's not consuming my every waking moment or anything, but I honestly feel like I'm recovering from going to a war of sorts. I am traumatized. I think it's hit Kevin even harder than me. He didn't want to do anything this weekend.

I'm just so upset.

When I had to quickly type up the blog post account of what happened on Friday, some parts of the story may not have been clear so I'll try to clear some stuff up here.

We originally chose to go to the OB because he had better imaging equipment to detect ectopic pregnancies. Something using another kind of technology, but I don't  remember what it was called. However, he didn't have to use that special imaging technique to find the gestational sac. He used the regular sonogram machine when he found the sac.

When my RE got the empty ultrasounds sent to her on Friday by my local office, she called me and agreed it definitely did not look good because there was nothing to see. We even talked about the MTX shot to terminate if we continued to not see anything on ultrasound. Had we gone in for another ultrasound and they had seen nothing, we may have terminated a pregnancy needlessly. This is one of the scariest parts of the whole thing.

Another thing that has me really upset is that when we got the "You have no hope" speech, we both had to tell our respective coworkers/bosses that we were not going to be going to work. There's no way we could be at work after getting news like that. Kevin emailed his boss, and I emailed mine. In addition, I knew I was going to be on-call next week starting on Sunday night. I knew that having just lost my baby, there was no way on this earth I was fit to be on-call.  I knew that I had to arrange for coverage quickly since it was a Friday and my on-call started Sunday.  Because of this, I decided to email three of my fellow team members and ask if they wouldn't mind taking over my on-call shift. This is a very big favor to ask on such short notice, so I went ahead and let the cat out of the bag to help them understand why I was asking this favor. I said something along the lines of having lost a baby that we had gone to enormous lengths to have over the course of two years. I figured this was the story's finale, and it would be a fact shared only in hindsight.

Now that we know there actually is a gestational sac and some hope is restored, I feel like an idiot for having shared such personal information with coworkers so early on in the process. I'm definitely glad I did switch my on-call shift because I have no idea how this week will play out. I could very well get the same news on Tuesday (another beta) or Wednesday (second ultrasound) and learn that this baby didn't make it. I'd be right back to square one so I'm hesitant now to continue to provide updates only to have us back to where we started: no baby. But if it does work out, I feel like I cried "wolf"! It's hard to explain how this makes me feel. They are great coworkers and understood, but still, I just feel embarrassed.

Now I'm not quite sure how to approach it with my team members. Do I give them every little detail as this progresses? What if we learn we have lost this baby on Wednesday after I tell them there really is hope after all? That would be back and forth and back and forth. It's driving me crazy. I can't let them go on thinking that I've lost my baby so I'm going to need to give them an update today but it just sucks big-time feeling like I called wolf. And to explain why it's not my fault just seems like sharing TMI.

I'm also upset that if we do lose this pregnancy, we will have had to have go through that kind of pain twice. I'm terrified of going to that place again, even though I know its a very real possibility. I also know it might work out. But we had to needlessly go through something so harrowing and awful it just kills me to think about mourning a miscarriage twice for one child. Just awful.

My RE called me twice on Friday. The first was after she got the bad information from my local office and had my beta results. I told her I was at the OB getting another ultrasound (which hadn't been performed at that point yet.) I think both of us weren't expecting to see anything. After the ultrasound was completed, he sent over the report of what he found, and a few hours later the RE called again.

She just called for no real reason other than to see how I was doing and express her delight that the OB found the sac. I could sense she may have even been irritated herself that she was given bad info by the local office. My RE is really great, it's this other stuff that seems to be the issue. I told her very clearly how upset I was that they had told me it was ectopic and that they had said that we had no hope left. I told her I couldn't believe they were diagnosing patients and giving them no hope when they shouldn't be. The RE agreed that this should never happen. I also told her I wasn't going back to the RE's office ever again and instead the OB will oversee the ultrasounds and bloodwork and the information will be shared with the RE. She understood and told me to contact her directly from now on. They will continue to monitor my meds and my OB will manage this pregnancy. She really is fantastic.

Well, I know that was long but I'm still angry and I felt like I wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading.

I would love prayers for tomorrow's beta and Wednesday's ultrasound.

31 comments:

  1. Wow how incredibly frustrating, I feel for you so much. It's good you told your RE how unprofessional those nurses are, I probably would tell her everything, including the inappropriate office talk in front of patients. Hopefully the RE will do something, so no other woman will have to go through what you did.

    You could just tell your colleagues the simplified truth. The nurses had originally told you there was no sac but afterwards you got a second opinion and they found one. Then you could just say that it is a really emotional thing for you to discuss at the moment.

    I am sending you lots of good vibes

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    1. Thank you so much. I am feeling better about it now that I got all of that off my chest!

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  2. I agree with everything Gypsy Mama said. I'd share the unprofessional talk from the nurses as well. They have absolutely no business working in the field. I also don't think that you are even remotely crying wolf! Just tell your co-workers the simplified truth as Gypsi Mama suggested. They don't need to know all the details, but you shared with them what you knew at the time to be the truth. Hang in there! Sending lots of prayers for you and Kevin.

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    1. Yeah, I'll make a special call to the office manager about the nurses. I told the RE everything, but she may not be in a position to do anything really. I'm not sure. Thanks for commenting!

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  3. I wish there were some way to report the nurses. Like there are Dr reviews online through insurance agencies and everything. Some nurses just shouldn't be nurses!

    Sad to say, your best course of action is probably to report the Dr's to your insurance, for their negligent staff. It is the Dr's responsibility, their names on the line, so really they should just fire those nurses. They could have cost you your baby! That's just unforgivable. Thank God your hubby thought to go get another US!

    I would send an email to coworkers. I wouldn't be able to mention it without crying, and that way I'd only have to do it once without anyone seeing me. Ask them to understand and just be honest. Anybody with a heart will completely understand!

    Prayers for your beta and US!

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    1. Unforgivable is too harsh... I'm Christian and I believe everything is forgivable. But that's honestly terrible and they should be terminated.

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    2. Thanks for the comment. I agree, they should not be practicing with what has happened. It's just deplorable!

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  4. One thing I am thankful for is my clinic is small. The doctors do all the procedures and u/s that way there is no room for miscommunication on either side. Hoping for the best within the next few days.

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    1. That's definitely a plus to a small office! Thanks for the comment. :)

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  5. I am so sorry that yuo are going through all of this stress. I hope that you get good news this week. No need to update coworkers any more. Regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy, they will understand why you needed a little extra help given the news you recieved. I am glad you told teh RE about all of you experience I would also reccomend (later) finding out who the clinic supervisor/manager is - because that is likely who does teh hiring.firing, not teh doc.

    Hugs!

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    1. Thanks, me too. I just want on phone call or one office visit where I hear "Things look great!" Thanks for the comment and support, as always. I will definitely talk to whoever supervises these women and let them know how awful they have been.

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  6. Liz, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. That office seems extremely unprofessional and they should be ashamed of themselves for the pain they've caused you. I am praying that your beta tomorrow and your ultrasound Wednesday will show good news. Hugs!! - Kelly

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  7. You are 100% justified in each and every one of these feelings that you mentioned.

    I agree with all of the above. These nurses should be terminated. You are right about the cold truth, they could have and almost did cost you a healthy pregnancy. Simply unacceptable. And frankly even if they suspected it was ectopic they should have not stopped until they saw it. Unreal.

    As for your co-workers, I totally agree with Gypsy Mama. And while I know it's much easier said than done, try not to worry or feel bad about that piece of the puzzle - you've got bigger fish to fry.

    I am sending you endless thoughts and prayers for Wednesday. Rooting for you and that little fighter that IS growing inside you :)

    (JBDamonM from TB)

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    1. Thanks so much for commenting. I agree so much - this could have turned out tragic at their hands!! It's one thing to have things go wrong just because they were destined to go that way. It's another to have incompetence cause it. :(

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  8. I am appalled by the behaviour of those nurses and so sorry you've had to experience 'care' at their hands. Good for you for speaking up! I hope the RE insists on some sensitivity training for those two.

    As for your colleagues, I don't think you owe them any details. Maybe you could just explain that, in light of the details you have already shared about this being a difficult to achieve pregnancy, it's not something you feel comfortable talking alot about.

    So many good vibes coming your way for upcoming blood draw and u/s.

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    1. Thank you so much for commenting and the good vibes. Praying for good news!

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  9. You have every right to be angry right now. I don't even know what I would have done had I been in your situation. I remember during my IVF cycle they gave me the wrong needles and I almost went postal. I can't imagion what I would have done here. I'm just so thankful you guys went to the OB. I will continue to pray for you and the little one. Grow baby grow!

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    1. You'd think that in this line of work they would have the utmost attention to detail, right? I would have lost my marbles if I got the wrong needles. In fact, one of the nurses gave me a wrong beta number. Details like this matter! ahhhhh

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  10. First, I'm so sorry about the debacle on Friday. I'm unable to find words to express how unbelievably negligent the nurses are at your REs office.

    As for the PIO, sure ice to make the needle hurt less, but heat after! It is an oil and it will dissipate better with heat. Ice will make it lumpy and more painful.

    I don't think you need to tell your coworkers anything yet. Hopefully, they will be respectful and let you have some space. If you do decide to update them, you can just say it was a threatened miscarriage. That way you dont have to go into details.

    I will keep praying that you have a healthy baby in your arms in 8 months. Hugs!

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    1. I agree, heat is great! After I did mine my hubby would rub the spot to move the oil around and then I would sit on a heating pad for 30 mins. Never had a problem!

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    2. Thank you so much! We've been doing heat and massage and it seems like some days it works, and some days its awful. I think it just depends on where it gets injected and theres no way to know if it's going to be a bad spot or a good spot until after the fact. Oh well, I'll do anything to support this baby. Thank you for the tips and the prayers!!!

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  11. Their incompetence means that it's even more of a miracle that your pregnant. I'm angry on your behalf and sad for the other who may have lost pregnancies due to their poor nursing skills.
    I hope you get a chance to tell your RE everything- the baby shower talk, complaining about the hours, etc. Unprofessional + poor skills- no reason to keep them. Remind the RE how much of a big deal it is to hear baby shower talk at an infertility appt- that's beyond insensitive. And having to walk you across the street to draw blood- that's just plain embarrassing. Sure, it may take a few tries, but that's skill they need to have!! I wonder how many clients your RE has lost on account of those nurses.
    But the bottom line is, you're pregnant. And that's awesome- hold on to that. Enjoy it one day at a time. The sad reality that it may not last can remind us to stay in the moment. Congrats on your pregnancy.

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    1. I agree, it really is a miracle they got me this far. I'm surprised they didn't screw something up during the cycle. Oh wait, they did! They told me to prematurely start estrace. That could have cost me the cycle. They are so incompetent!

      Thank you for the kind words.

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  12. Oh Liz... still thinking and hurting with you over this whole situation! Just happy you ARE pregnant! Keep thinking that because you ARE!

    As for telling co-workers... it depends on how well you know them, how well they know you and how you feel. Personally I think you should tell them something - even just something like "We have tried really hard to get pregnant, we had a scare this weekend and we are still not out of the woods so please bear with me the next few weeks. I'll update you when there is more to tell." These are people you are (I am assuming) with each day who you see a lot and who you respect. No it is really none of their business but at the same time if they care at all (which I hope they do!) They will likely be sympathetic and want to help you. Besides I know you are not ashamed of everything you have gone through so maybe your story will help someone else. You never know who else is going through similiar things. Just my 2 cents!

    Good luck - lots of prayers and happy thoughts headed your way!

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    1. Thank you so much for the undying support. I know this is so hard for you too. It's just not fair that it's not easy! I wish I could be blissful right now and just enjoy being pregnant. It's blowing my mind that I'm almost 7 weeks (tomorrow) and I've had maybe one or two days of just pure bliss. The rest has been marked with worry. Hopefully good news is ahead so we can both breathe a sigh of relief. Thanks for the prayers and happy thoughts!

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    2. I like the way Vicky worded it. That's what you should tell your coworkers - exactly what she said. :)

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  13. Good Morning! I actually found your blog today by googling "praying for my embryos". I, too, have been diagnosed with DOR and high FSH. I am also 31, but received my diagnosis at 27. Heartbreaking. I am currently going through my 6th round of IVF and just got the call yesterday that out of 19 eggs...I only have 5 embryos. I am praying so hard for my little five. And I found your blog while I was looking for more prayers. Now I will pray for you, too. And your pregnancy. And your husband. You are not alone. I am praying God will hear both of our prayers and help us in a way that he sees best. Hugs to you!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I am so sorry about your hard road of DOR. It is such an awful diagnosis. That being said, 19 eggs is phenomenal and 5 embryos is great! I'll say some prayers for them too that they grow and do wonderfully and that you'll even have many make it to freeze. Thank you so much for the prayers and hugs!

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  14. those nurses should be put on probation or fired... seriously-- what morons and what crass and unprofessional behavior. I am glad you're in better hands and your re understood and will be discussing this with them. Lord knows who else they have told erroneous or heartbreaking news to or bad advice.

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    1. Yeah, I'm still in disbelief about what a close call Friday was for us. I hope they make some changes. When we are completely done, I will see if I can talk to the office manager about it. But at the end of the day, I'm not even sure it will matter. :( I hope it will.

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