Monday, February 25, 2013

Why am I so scared?

Friday my nerves were through the roof worrying about Monday's beta doubling. However, this weekend wasn't too bad. We kept ourselves pretty busy on Saturday and Sunday so I felt good about everything and stayed positive. We even went to Barnes and Noble and bought a bunch of children's books. That is just how confident and good I felt about everything, until today.

This morning I'm a wreck again. I'm so nervous, I feel like my blood pressure is sky high. I have no logical reason to think that my beta will not be doubling properly, but the emotionally traumatized side of me is braced for the worst. In the last few years, it seems like every time I finally let go and enjoy some positivity and hope, the worst happens. When my mom was sick with cancer, I remember one day getting a call days before my birthday announcing that her tumors had shrunk by 25%! We felt so optimistic that the chemo was working and she'd get better. I cried tears of joy and believed she'd make it. Well, we all know the end page of that story. She didn't. I also remember when my OB/Gyn diagnosed me with PCOS and gave me Metformin. She told me I'd be pregnant in three months. Easy peasy! Talk about hope! Well, after going to an RE, not only did I not have PCOS, I found out I had one of the most severe DOR cases my RE had seen. IVF was not even a real hopeful option. Crushed once again.

So part of me is scared of being excited because I know how much it hurts to fall after being offered such hope. 

I know you all are going to tell me to stay positive and it's bad for my baby. I know this, but I seriously can't shake it. No matter how many times I've prayed for peace or how many times I remind myself there's not one logical reason to think this pregnancy is failing, it is looming over me. Could part of this be hormonal? I can't figure out why I am so terrified.

And of course, I continue to POAS once every morning. It's getting darker so that's bringing me some comfort as I wait. The one with the black line was from my last Beta. But I keep thinking - shouldn't it be twice as dark if it has more than doubled in three days?

Did anyone else feel this way waiting for their second beta? I'm a million times more terrified than my first because at least I knew that one would be positive. There isn't a way to tell if the beta has doubled from HPTs, so I feel like I'm in the dark somewhat.

My first beta results came in before 12pm CST. I'm hoping they get them just as quick today. I'll update you all once they are in. Thank you for your prayers. I need some prayers for peace right now! 


  1. Honestly, I wasn't that scared for my second beta... but always nervous. Still am!

    Godspeed! :)

  2. Hang in there. It's normal to be nervous. I didn't worry too much for my second beta, but the wait till the first ultrasound was worse than the 2WW.

  3. Waiting for Beta's is the WORST! Even if you already know it will be fine. there is that fear. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about and I HATE the waiting on those days! Try to keep busy!

  4. Liz...I'm so sorry you're feeling such anxiety. I can understand the nervousness absolutely...I understand hopes that have come crashing down are not alone in your feelings. All we can really do is wait and see what happens in this life...we are NOT in control, and that is SUCH a hard thing to accept! I'm praying for you to be able to have peace once your 2nd beta comes back great...blessings to you! - Kelly

  5. Okay, now I am really nervous because you haven't updated with the results of today's beta yet? I am sure your baby(s) are just fine. I'm thining about you!!