Saturday, February 16, 2013

5dp5dt. Some cramping, lots of doubt and fear

I suppose I should post an update even though I don't really have a noteworthy one. :) My stomach issues have continued, although not nearly as severe as the episode I described in my last post. I took all of the suggestions everyone had in your comments and I'm hoping I get some long term relief here. I've been taking 100mg of Colace every night but I think I'm going to increase it to 200mg and I hope that helps things out a bit. I don't know what I'd do without my blog readers. I sincerely appreciate you guys!

No real news here. I'm 5dp5dt and don't really have any clear-cut and obvious symptoms to share. Everything I do have is easily explained by the progesterone or could be mistaken for my stomach ailments. I have had some mild cramping that feels like period cramps come and go but it feels like it's just my period trying to break through the progesterone and unleash itself. Or maybe it's my digestive system continuing to be rude to me.

I've also been on the most insane emotional rollercoaster of my life. Each and every day that gets closer to my beta becomes more intense. It makes me shake with panic. I'll be honest, I've already cried alone thinking this just wont work and we will be back to where we started in just a few days. I'm already wondering how it will feel to mourn these precious children whom I have already loved so much who may never be. I already emotionally buried our genetic children. It kills me to think about burying these ones. It seriously makes my heart hurt, and it has made me cry. I'm crying now writing this.

Then out of the blue, I'll snap ouf ot it and I'll feel optimistic and decide my cramping is a good sign. Or I'll read about women who felt no hope early in the process then wound up getting a BFP later. I'll switch gears completely and think this is finally where we will succeed and start a family.

I seriously feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I have rapid-cycler bipolar disorder because it's all consuming and so intense.

I also find myself crying at really bizarre things that is very much unlike me. I watched the movie "Ransom" yesterday with Mel Gibson and the scene where he thinks his son was shot made me bawl like a baby. That's SO not me!

Then Kevin and I were talking about what to do for dinner, it made me almost cry. This was the most bizarre because it was not an argument or an upsetting topic but it made me want to cry.

Well, I'm hanging onto the roller coaster ride and praying for the best. That's not just a figure of speech. I've dropped to my knees on multiple occasions and just cried out to God to please let this work. If failure for this is in His plan, I honestly don't know how I am going to handle it. I don't feel equipped. I will be incredibly confused because I have felt like He has been around helping guide each step of this process. I also feel like my mom has been making herself known through little signs. So if it doesn't work, I feel like I've been toyed with. I will feel angry. I don't know how to explain it because I'm not even sure I understand it myself. I feel like I will be a shell of a human being and I don't know how I am going to go on. (Don't take that the wrong way, I obviously will go on, I will have to.)

For those of you who have never been through IF, you may think this is dramatic but it has been worse for me than watching my own mother die from cancer. Only it's more cruel because there is no finish line in sight. When my mom died, we mourned and are able to move on with a finite answer to it all. Also, people in your life understand it at face value. Even if they have not lost their mother to cancer, most can appreciate the pain you would feel. This is definitely not the case with IF. With IF, you are in a constant state of limbo with an invisible finish line. The majority of the people in real life don't understand. They might think "oh, you're out the money you spent. That sucks." The money down the drain sucks, no doubt. But it's so much more than that. It's a death but in a much more intense and confusing way. And right now, I feel like I can reach out and almost grab our babies' little hands but in a split second they could be snatched away. We've never been this close, but until you're at the actual finish line, it's almost imaginary. I honestly can't find an adjective that can adequately describe the pain you feel. There just doesn't seem to be one in the English language.

I'll try to end on a happy note and say that I'm hoping the cramps I feel are good news and that my period doesn't decide to surprise me at any moment here and kill all of our dreams. Hopefully I'll have something good to post here in the coming days. Thanks for reading, as always.


  1. Well I vote that the cramping is a good sign!!! And honestly, its probably way to early for any other sign - and the progesterone mimics them all anyway! I am sorry you have been feeling literally nuts - I can relate - I have been feeling emotional about everything and picking fights :-( Just know that no mater what happens, you do have the strength to cope because you are a strong person who has survived all of this so far!!

    1. Thanks for the kind words. I'm on an upswing at the moment feeling optimistic again lol. Even despite testing and getting a BFN - shocker! I know it's too early.

      Good luck at your transfer tomorrow!

  2. Oh Liz...I totally understand all of the confusing feelings you are having. I know I will be right where you are in a month when we have our transfer. You want to be hopeful, but you are so scared to be so completely crushed if it doesn't work. I understand. You CAN do this! Those little babies are in the best place they can be right now, in the hands of the Lord. You are so amazing because you have given them a chance at life!!! Hang in there! Hugs! - Kelly

    1. You are always so kind with your words. Your comments usually make me tear up. You're right, they are in a good place and God has a plan for them. It's been such a challenge to trust Him.

  3. That all sounds so normal! We'll, normal for us IF ladies. The doubt, fear, hope- it was the toughest 2weeks of my whole pregnancy! (And the non-pregnancies were worse- but somehow a neg beta at least took away the uncertainty.)
    You are so right that most people don't understand the loss. We can't just "try again". There's really no other life situation to compare it to. But let's not focus on that. Let's believe that God has a special miracle for you. You're in my prayers!

  4. Hang in there! I totally cramped before my period was due after my transfer, and I'm pregnant!

    Just remember that God will not give you any more than you can handle.

    Godspeed! Prayers!

  5. Oh, yes, the 2ww roller coaster ride! Hate that roller coaster! Praying you get the news you want very soon! :)