Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The ghost of a red-haired child

Long before we knew we would deal with infertility, my Mom would frequently talk about what she thought our children would look like. She always guessed we'd have a child with red hair because of my fair complexion, the freckles I had as a child, and my husband's strawberry-blonde hair. My mom's sister had red hair, but no one else in our family did, so I was skeptical. But it always stuck in the back of my mind.

One day while I was waiting to catch a flight at the airport, I saw a young husband and wife who each looked uncannily like me and my husband. The wife was holding their baby on her lap but from where I was sitting, I couldn't get a good look at him/her. I thought to myself  "Here is a good test to see what our child will look like!" I got up to casually walk by and check and sure enough this beautiful little newborn had red hair.

After that, I figured our babies would have firey-red hair. This was always the visual picture I had painted in my mind of our child from that point forward. But as we moved along through the painful infertility process, that visual picture became blurrier and blurrier. Until finally I had to completely emotionally bury our red-haired little child. That red-haired child is now just a ghost.

An interesting realization occurred for me when I got the call last week announcing that we had a 10k IVF insurance benefit available to us.  As soon as she said "IVF benefit" my immediate thought was "This means I would have to attempt IVF again."

And my stomach dropped. I felt sick. I didn't want to go through IVF again! NO! And it wasn't because of the rollercoaster of emotions involved, it wasn't because my eggs suck and it probably wouldn't work anyway, or the doctor's appointments, or the injections.

I realized it was because that would mean I'd have to bring that grieved child back from the dead - the child I had already buried and mourned. It felt wrong, it felt off. But more importantly, our children are already here.

Our children are frozen in a tank in San Antonio. They have big smiles and beautiful eyes.  I love them more than anything.

And one of the most remarkable things about these babies is that they came with an incredible relationship with our donor and her family. This is a blessing I can't even put into words. Our children will have another family that will love them too. I wouldn't trade that for the world.

Of course we certainly aren't out of the woods yet, and won't feel that way until we have our baby(ies) in our arms. But I feel like we are finally being shown the reason as to why we had to endure the devastating sadness, despair and pain. It makes sense why we had to travel the dark path we've been on that led us to these babies.

This is so much better.

14 comments:

  1. It doesn't matter what they look like they're going to be beautiful and you're going to love them oodles!!!! Thinking of you!!! :)

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    1. Yep, exactly my point. I'm in love with our adopted embryos and THESE are my babies. I want it no other way. :) thanks for always thinking of me!

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  2. I'm so happy for you that you feel like you are on the right path :)

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  3. I adore this post and I know exactly how you feel. I also have had to mourn the children that I though B and I would make together. I have had to mourn what my kids would look like, and what traits of mine and my sisters and parents I thought they would have. That mourning was hard work. It took time and was emotionally draining. But now that I am through it, I am so ready to move on. I did pick a donor who looks a lot lie me, which will help. But now I day dream about what our babies will look like, and I think about our donors adorable baby pictures (just like you think of the baby from those embryos who is already here).I wonder how her coloring and family will blend with B's 1/2 Korean background. It is really not all that different than how I used to imagine my DNA baby, but now with the donor. And I do not want to take any steps back. I no longer imagine that we will have some magical pregnancy with my own eggs. I am over that and ready to move on with our plan! Thanks so much for posting about this!

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    1. Oh I'm so glad you liked it and understood what I was trying to say. I honestly cannot imagine going backwards. This is the right path and I am SO ready to meet these children!

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  4. This post, and your heart, are so beautiful! Happy ICLW!

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  5. Thank you sharing this beautiful story. It brought me to tears. I'm so glad this path is for you and that you're in a good place. It makes me feel hopeful. Looking forward to following our journey and cheering on you and your brown-haired babies.

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    1. Thank you for commenting. I am so glad you liked the post. It means a lot that you're interested in our story!

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  6. This post makes my heart sing!!! I love it!

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    1. Oh I'm so glad you liked it! I honestly cannot picture our family being built any other way. This feels SO right. We are so blessed to have you in our lives, our lives are forever changed because of you.

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  7. Thank you for stopping by my blog! This post is beautifully written. It sounds like you are on the perfect path to your babies. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I appreciate the compliment. :)

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